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Good morning Father Angelo,
The recent reading of some of your replies on your site has opened the eyes of an old couple who have tragically discovered that they had had sexual relations, for about twenty years as a couple, contrary to the catechism of the Catholic Church. In short. We have been married for 40 years and we have had 2 wonderful creatures, now over thirty, that we have successfully educated in Christian faith and love as we too have discovered it. Both educated in religious schools until adolescence, we gradually detached ourselves from religious practice in the wake of the post-1968 education that showed us often wide and pleasure-loving roads. Reborn to the Faith precisely because of the meeting that led us to marriage after 6 months of engagement, we practiced sex for the purpose of procreation. After the second pregnancy, my wife was struck by breast cancer which led the doctors to strongly advise her against a further pregnancy to prevent the cancer from returning due to hormones.From that moment, we have not stopped loving each other even carnally but we have used coitus interruptus or intercourse with masturbation actions, even oral, in moderation. Unfortunately we have never seriously posed the moral problem, never believing we were off track. The onset of sterile senility then also physically reduced the possibility of a complete sexual act due to vaginal dryness which causes pain. We are active and esteemed members of our parish and we have had long and still positions of responsibility as she is a catechist and I am an extraordinary minister for the Eucharist. Naive or superficial, we never considered the possibility of being plunged into the sin of serious moral disorder and, although obviously the encounters lessened, we continued to love each other even carnally, perhaps because of me and his desire to indulge me… until 2 days ago I randomly stumbled upon one of his answers which leaves no escape and for which I am grateful! My pressing question today is this: what will become of these twenty years of grave sin also against our community? How many communions have I distributed with unworthiness? How can we straighten our path? Is repentance enough for superficial and irresponsible behavior? Is it enough to immediately cease our intimate encounters? Can we thus continue in our duties in the parish or should we resign?
We thank you for clarifying this bad impact with the sense of guilt and sin. We look forward to your response.
Priest’s answer
My Dear,
1.First of all I feel the desire to thank together with you God’s mercy which was already presented in the Old Testament as follows, “You have mercy on all, because you can do all things, and you overlook the sin of men that they may repent” (Wisdom 11.23). Even with you, as indeed with all of us, the Lord has closed his eyes to sins waiting for repentance.
2. He also practiced his divine pedagogy with you, “Therefore you rebuke offenders little by little, warn them and remind them of the sin they are committing, that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in you, O Lord” ( Wis 12.2).
3. He has waited for the right moment to introduce you to our site and remind you of the Church’s constant teaching on matrimonial matters.
4. What can you do now? The first thing, absolutely necessary, is the humble sacramental confession. You will tell the Lord what David, the holy King of Israel, told him, “Remember no more the sins of my youth; remember me only in light of your love” (Ps 25, 7). The sins committed in our youth are not always the most serious, but they leave a mark in our soul which therefore remains inclined and urged towards evil, perhaps thinking that it is not evil. You have mentioned the post-1968 period of which you acknowledge that “it has often shown you wide and revealing roads.” It was the time of the sexual revolution in which, completely forgetting the superior and transcendent objective of man, people began to say that what is bad is good. You too have been imbued, like everyone else, with an erroneous concept of freedom, that of being able to do what you want. While God has given us the freedom so that with love, responsibility and merit we self-determine ourselves for good.
5. You will therefore humbly confess your sins by saying that out of irresponsibility or carelessness you did not want to delve into God’s teaching regarding conjugal ethics, and consequently you did not confess your sins, nor did you seek to amend yourselves. You will also say that you received Holy Communion in that state of disorder without even thinking about it. You will also say that you have not been careful to be exemplary in everything, starting with your personal conduct, within the various tasks entrusted to you within the Church. In a word, you will say that you are repentant of what you have done, you will sincerely ask forgiveness for these sins and for all those connected with them, as if it were the last conversion of your life.
6. Now going more concretely about the determinations of your personal and ecclesial life, continue in the exercise of all the ministries and responsibilities that have been entrusted to you. Since your sin was an occult and non-public sin, repentance and the consequent penance that you will do on your behalf is sufficient. As I told you, do not think at all about resigning.
7. Continue to stay in your place and if you have the opportunity to come across issues of marital ethics, try to remind those present of the teaching of the Church and that marriage is a path to sanctification. Now sanctification always requires purity according to what the Holy Spirit taught us when he said, “Strive for peace with everyone, and for that holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one be deprived of the grace of God, that no bitter root spring up and cause trouble, through which many may become defiled” (Heb 12:14-15). That word “holiness” in the Greek text is expressed with agiasmòn, and in Latin with “sanctimonia” which means holiness in general and chastity or cleanness of heart in particular. The word sanctity is also present in Italian and indicates not only a holy life, but also an unsullied, moderate and chaste life.
8. Behold, if the Lord gives you occasion, ye shall bear him witness concerning this also. It will be the most beautiful form of repair.
I thank you for your mail, I wish you all the best, I bless you and I cordially remember you in my prayers.
Father Angelo