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Question

Dear Fr. Angelo,

I already wrote to you some time ago; today I would like to ask you for some clarifications about spousal love, which I do not find on the web. In the Christian environment I frequent, I often hear the expression “dying to self and loving others“, but I don’t fully understand. I am quite aware that the emphasis is not placed on love (and loving) as a sentiment, an emotion, but as a free gift of self, a responsible commitment to wish the good of the other; but, when objective problems make the couple relationship tiring and difficult, what does “dying” actually consist of? is it a matter of attitude to the problem, of maturity?

Instead, kinds of judgment and criticism often arise, and one folds in stubborn silence and defensive positions that certainly do not edify.

Waiting for your answer, I sincerely thank you in advance and ask for a prayer to obtain enlightenment and discernment for this very delicate matter.

Greetings

The answer of the Priest

dear,

1. spousal love makes one want to empty the self for the good of the spouse.

One’s own whims and selfishness have necessarily to die.

So, when you truly love, you want the other’s happiness and inner wealth, and you are content to give up on yourself.

2. For a Christian, that means to apply the conjugal morality we read from the letter to the Romans by St. Paul: “let each of us please our neighbor for the good, for building up. For Christ did not please himself” (Rom 15:2-3).

All Christians, and especially Christian spouses, have the duty to give up their comfort and to adapt to the other’s needs for his or her happiness as long as those needs are not contrary to God’s law.

That is why St. Paul specifies that we must please our neighbor “for the good”.

3. But, precisely here conflicts can arise because one can see as bad what seems good to another.

Here, as you observe, entrenchments in one’s own positions originate, and one folds in silence in the hope that the other will understand and change mind.

4. Christian spouses should avoid creating heavy moods within the family.

Their duty is to appeal immediately to the One who was announced by the Prophet Isaiah as the “Wonder-Counselor” (Is 9:5) and to Her who is invoked in the litany of Loreto as the seat of Wisdom.

When one draws the Light from the Lord, and when one trusts in the persuasive power of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, the same one evaluates the divine motions greater, thus agreements become easier to find.

5. I cannot forget that St. Thomas Aquinas turned to God in prayer, and also in fasting, when he had to comment on a text which was hard to understand because the text itself was maybe corrupted.

Thereafter, amazingly, he was to receive the light to explain everything in a wonderful way.

6. I think that, also to possible tensions that arise in the family one can apply the criterion attributed to St. Augustine for resolving any conflict: “In necessitas unitas, in dubiis libertas, in omnibus caritas“, which translation sounds like this: “unity in necessary things; freedom in doubtful things; love in all things“.

7. “Love in all things“: it is a matter of loving one another with a divine love, Charity invoked to God, and that love wants to give to the other the greatest good which is God Himself, His presence within it, His enlightenment and His sanctification.

8. Between Our Lady and Saint Joseph there was no divergence in the governance of the family, because both were animated by charity and by the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

Nothing more than these supernatural realities could keep them constantly united in their thought and will.

Of course, we are not Our Lady or Saint Joseph. But that reminds us that we overcome any tension finding the secret strength in the constant commitment of pleasing God and in sanctification.

I assure you of the prayer you asked for, and I bless you.

Father Angelo2016, March 7th | A priest replies – Spiritual Theology – General