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Question
Hello Father, I am a 36-year-old man. I have always been Catholic, but for over a year now I have felt a desire for radical change within me and have begun to consistently practice a path of faith.

I have received many graces that I won’t list, and recently, unfortunately, I experienced the sudden and serious loss of my 29-year-old brother-in-law, which we are trying to overcome with great faith. I am no longer a habitual sinner as I was before; thanks to the Lord’s help and my daily rosary, my life has taken a different direction. However, when it comes to sex in marriage, I still can’t find a way to follow without falling into the sin of contraception.

I have two children, one of whom is 3 years old, and for now, we do not want another child. I always practice withdrawal except when I am sure she is not fertile. Before, I used to blaspheme and lived a disordered life in every way; now my confessions only consist of “I practice contraception” and some other sins. Sometimes I don’t go to confession out of shame for admitting the same sin repeatedly.

What advice can you give me to overcome this problem?

I thank you infinitely.

Priest’s answer


Dear friend,
I have just today come across your email from January 28 of last year. I am truly sorry for this delay and apologize to you.

1. I am certain that you experience the intrinsic difference between withdrawal and the marital intimacy that is fulfilled according to God’s plan.

In the first case, there is a clear alteration of His sanctification project.

In the second case, there is a total giving of oneself without any reservation.

2. Since you already live with your wife in intimacy according to God’s design, why resort to contraception?

Can you not remain chaste?

Chastity practiced within marriage, consisting in using marital intimacy according to God’s dual and inseparable design—uniting and procreating—encompasses a great richness needed by spouses both in their mutual relationship and for the education of their children.

3. This was highlighted by Saint Pope Paul VI in his encyclical Humanae vitae:

“The right and lawful ordering of birth demands, first of all, that spouses fully recognize and value the true blessings of family life and that they acquire complete mastery over themselves and their emotions. For if with the aid of reason and of free will they are to control their natural drives, there can be no doubt at all of the need for self-denial. Only then will the expression of love, essential to married life, conform to right order. This is especially clear in the practice of periodic continence. Self-discipline of this kind is a shining witness to the chastity of husband and wife and, far from being a hindrance to their love of one another, transforms it by giving it a more truly human character. And if this self-discipline does demand that they persevere in their purpose and efforts, it has at the same time the salutary effect of enabling husband and wife to develop to their personalities and to be enriched with spiritual blessings. For it brings to family life abundant fruits of tranquility and peace. It helps in solving difficulties of other kinds. It fosters in husband and wife thoughtfulness and loving consideration for one another. It helps them to repel inordinate self-love, which is the opposite of charity. It arouses in them a consciousness of their responsibilities. And finally, it confers upon parents a deeper and more effective influence in the education of their children. As their children grow up, they develop a right sense of values and achieve a serene and harmonious use of their mental and physical powers.” (HV 21).

4. John Paul II observed that “if conjugal chastity (and chastity in general) first manifests itself as the ability to resist the concupiscence of the flesh, it gradually reveals itself as a unique capacity to perceive, love, and realize those meanings of the ‘language of the body’ that remain entirely unknown to concupiscence itself, progressively enriching the spousal dialogue of spouses, purifying it, deepening it, and at the same time simplifying it.

Therefore, that asceticism of continence mentioned in the encyclical (HV 21) does not impoverish the ‘affective manifestations,’ rather it makes them spiritually more intense, thus leading to their enrichment” (24.10.1984).

5. Since sexuality relates to the intimate core of the person, as Saint John Paul II has often reminded us, contraception strikes at this very intimate core of the person, fostering a lack of mastery over oneself, one’s passions, and instincts.

The relationship with God is wounded. One does not become an atheist; however, unconsciously, feelings begin to prevail over duty. One prays when they feel like it; they go to Mass if they feel like it—in a word, instinct begins to prevail.

But impurity has this particular aspect: it extinguishes the taste for things of God.

Religious feeling, if it remains, remains devoid of interiority.

At the same time, the sense of sin diminishes so that one does not confess.

6. It is tragic in this respect that error among those pastors who think it inappropriate to speak about chastity or purity leads them not to address these issues

By doing so, they do not act in the best interest of those people entrusted to them by the Lord.

Saint Paul holds a different opinion and writes with extraordinary vigor: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel (the Jerusalem Bible states ‘his own body and that of his spouse’) in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no one violate the rights and take advantage of his brother or sister in the matter, because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you previously and solemnly warned you.

For God has not called us for impurity, but in sanctification.

Therefore, the one who rejects this is not rejecting man, but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8).

7. The paths for acquiring self-mastery are essentially two.

The first is what a document from the Church’s magisterium calls the discipline of the senses and spirit which Humanae vitae refers to as asceticism.

This discipline requires on one hand not yielding to stimuli and temptations and on the other filling the mind with thoughts and feelings capable of elevating.

This filling can be done in a thousand ways with readings, dialogue, recreation, and other means provided by social communication.

The second path goes through communion with God, convinced that one cannot be chaste without supernatural help from grace. This can only be achieved through prayer, especially by invoking the Holy Spirit to infuse within us pure and holy love along with the intercession of Blessed Virgin Mary—whom the Church praises using an expression from Sacred Scripture—as “the mother of fair love, of fear, knowledge, and holy hope” (Sirach 24:18).

Wishing that everything in your married life contributes to mutual sanctification, I bless you and remember you in my prayers.

Father Angelo