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Dear Father Angelo,

I am writing to you for advice on a problem that is preventing me from making progress in my Christian life.

I am an adult woman, married, with children who are now quite old.

Several years ago I embarked on an extra-marital affair with a work colleague (engaged and cohabiting but not married). I was close to marriage and got married despite this affair.

After a few months I repented, confessed, promised to cut it off but still fell a few times. Then at some point after a well-done confession I decided to really cut back and pursue the Christian life. Since then I have not sinned in ‘acts’ with this man.

The problem is that anyway being colleagues we see each other regularly, even now that more than ten years have passed.

Sometimes it happens, even recently, that he gives me a half-appreciation or a comment on the way I am dressed (which to be honest does not seem particularly provocative to me, just sometimes a little neater). At first nothing happens, but then I start fantasizing and for days I bask in the pleasure these appreciations give me.

My imagination kicks in and I commit impure thoughts that also cause me strong bodily arousal. I do not practice masturbation, because by Grace since my conversion I have managed to keep this tendency of mine at bay; but sometimes I experience pleasure anyway, as if the body did it all by itself. Of course, however, the thoughts are voluntary, so I know that there is guilt involved.

When I am in this situation I do not take Holy Communion but wait for the opportunity to go to confession.

I am a little frustrated because after all these years I cannot get rid of it. I am at peace with the fact that I made a mistake when I was younger, I am happy that I managed to cut it off, but I am very dejected because I still fall back into this situation. For months I feel like he is totally indifferent to me and then a little joke is enough to make me fall back into an unhealthy desire, which lasts for several days.

I wonder if I will have to go on like this until retirement. When will I be able to progress in virtues? I am not so young now and I am ashamed to still be a slave to these passions. 

I should add that I have no tendency to have impure thoughts about other men or seek out immoral books or shows, only this ex of mine has this ‘power’ over me.

I thank you for your valuable service.

Thank you

Answer by the priest 

Dearest,

1. yes, it is a permanent temptation.

The Lord allows it so that through the fight you may be victorious.

2. You are not victorious if you do not fight, just as you are not victorious if you do not play.

It is an illusion to be chaste and faithful without any temptation.

3. I believe the Lord allows all this so that you may strive with all your might for sanctification, which is the goal for which we were created and redeemed.

Holiness passes through the path of purity.

The Lord expects you with a fully pure heart to be chaste and faithful before him and before your husband.

4. It must be remembered that personal self-determination is necessary for chastity, but the help of God’s grace is even more necessary.

St. Augustine rightly paraphrased a statement from Holy Scripture with these words: ‘I then learned that no one can be chaste unless you grant it.”

To be chaste, we need an additional strength, indeed a strength of a supernatural order.

This strength is infused in us especially in prayer and the celebration of the sacraments.

5. In order not to remain in the vagueness, commit yourself concretely with the daily recitation of the Holy Rosary, with regular and frequent confession, and, if you can, with attendance at midweek Mass. Holy Communion fortifies.

Without this food for fear they may collapse on the way (cf. Mt 15,32).

Jesus said: ‘Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you.’ (Jn 6,53), and ‘Whoever eats 19 my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life (Jn 6,54-55).

6. Finally, keep in mind that ‘he who overcomes temptation deserves to be served by angels’.

It is St Thomas who says this after noting that in the Gospel with reference to Jesus we read that having overcome temptation ‘behold, , angels came and ministered to him’ (Mt 4:11).

It is good to be served by angels.

This ministry is immediately felt in every area of your life when you decisively overcome temptation.

Therefore, as you go to work, leave with the inner attitude of one who feels called upon not only to do one’s duty, but also to face a battle in order to win and benefit readily from the service of the angels.

It is worthwhile, therefore, that you overcome all temptations.

7. Thus the permanent temptation you have to endure, which you certainly do not want and which annoys you according to God’s plan, is ordered to serve a greater good: ‘We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.’ (Rom 8,28). 

We understand then why the Lord told St Catherine of Siena: ‘And to temptations say always: be very welcome’.

There is a salvific design of God in everything, even in allowing temptations.

God is not wrong even when he allows the devil to tempt us.

With the wish to always be victorious and to enjoy the permanent service of the angels, I bless you and remember you in prayer.

Father Angelo