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Question
I would like to reverse the separation from my husband, we broke up in October 2017 and we lived under the same roof, making us legal for the separation in court in October 2018. In November 2018 my love for my husband was reborn, he had never stopped loving me and we got back together, our children are happy. Although, in this year I sinned. I had adventures with several men, which is not like me because I have always been firm in my values and my faith. I was out of myself, I had a crazy lifestyle, I always went out to dance and I did not care properly about my children but I was not happy. I had so much anger, after 13 years of marriage, in which I have always been faithful and in love with my husband, I had come to no longer bear him. Because of his unemployment he treated me badly and often during quarrels he told me that he was not with me for love but for the children and so he wanted to separate …It’s like a bomb that exploded and for a year I was not myself anymore. In this year my husband has known and chatted with women but has not had sexual relations, so even if he is now with me and loves me he says that I have not been faithful to him because even if we had broken up, I had relationships with other men. He strives not to make me weigh that thing, but says that he does not feel like to reverse the separation (I asked my lawyer and he said that it is just enough to go in the Municipality…) because marriage in the Church is like if it were no longer there, it would no longer be as before because I was unfaithful to him. I was sincere with him, I went to confession (from the priest who married us and he was very happy with my repentance and return), we go together to Mass, our children of 13 and 11 years are happy again, my husband and I love each other but precisely I would like him to be still my husband, put the ring back on our finger, reverse the separation in common, but he doesn’t feel like it… Please help me, so that I can bring my husband a message that lets him know the Lord has miraculously given us a wonderful gift!
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Have a nice day.
M.
Answer from the priest
Dear M.,
1. It was great grace to be able to feel the affection for your husband reborn and that you have returned to live together. The marriage you have celebrated in the Church is a sacrament and subsists forever. Your infidelities have stained it, but they have not destroyed it, nor can they destroy it .
2.Your husband was very good at waiting for you and forgiving you. Who knows how much he suffered and prayed. The Lord heard him. The first step is through prayer, which must be constant. I especially recommend the Holy Rosary.
3. However – unless there is a very special grace – it takes time to rebuild the relationship after an infidelity. Infidelity has destroyed many things that cannot be restored like with magic.
4. There are two paths that the Lord asks you to take, so that the relationship of trust and love is reborn on a more solid foundation than the one that led you to the altar. Daily praying helps you because this prayer brings the presence of Jesus into your life and into your home (and therefore also into your husband’s life). When he comes, Jesus never comes with empty hands. But he always makes himself present with his saving omnipotence. Our Lady also comes with him, with whom God has established perfect enmity with our adversary.
5. The second thing to do, which is also particularly important and undoubtedly more difficult, is the perfect exercise of all the virtues, above all, readiness in dedication to your husband’s needs and of humble and sweet patience in knowing how to bear his tiredness and – if there were any – also some of its roughness.
6. In a word, it is with your life that you must regain his heart. But this exemplary life cannot be carried out without a particular help from the Lord. This help comes to you from the grace you receive abundantly in the Sacraments. First of all in that of confession, which you will do on a regular and frequent basis. Confession gives you the strength to be able to change and overcome yourself. Without the help of the Lord, this undertaking is impossible.
7. This help also comes from the sacrament of the Eucharist whose main effect, as Saint Thomas says, is to transform us into Christ. At Mass you will always receive special light and help. In today’s mass (January 12, 2019) the Lord made us hear the words of John the Baptist, which must be a plan for each of us: “He must grow; I, on the other hand, decrease ”(Jn 3:30). Christ must grow in us in all the events of his life. He must grow in the exercise of all the virtues: patience, prudence, humility, fidelity, purity, meekness, and above all charity. He must also grow in his disposition to carry the daily cross in a patient and loving way. When you take Holy Communion, ask the Lord to give you the strength to exercise one of these virtues now, and then another one. Indeed, before you even decide to leave the house to go to Mass, especially on weekdays (because on holidays you attend Mass due to the precept), tell the Lord : “Now I come to you to ask you for strength, to exercise the virtue that I particularly need, and the virtue I ask of you is …”. You will ask for this grace insistently during the consecration and then in particular after having received Holy Communion. At that moment, let the Lord work in you. Ask him to transform you into him, and during the day, come back as much as you can inside your heart to be united with Jesus and ask him to continue his work of healing and transformation.
8. As you can see, I took the opportunity of answering your email to indicate invaluable resources to all our visitors so that they can feel in their lives the grace of the presence of Jesus who, when he comes, always comes with his saving omnipotence.
I wish you well, I will mention you in a special way to the Lord and I bless you.
Father Angelo
Translation by Marina Nelson
Edited by Peter Nelson