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Hello Father, 

I am a seventeen-year-old girl who has always attended the parish and believed in Jesus. I owe my faith to my family, that has passed it on to me along with the awareness of the beauty of living in chastity and respecting one’s body. For more than two years now I have been dating a young man of my own age. He is also a church-goer; as a matter of fact, we met at a summer retreat organised by our parishes.

The problem that has been tormenting me for a long time now concerns my relationship with my boyfriend. Soon after we first met, I tackled the issue of masturbation and pornography, stating clearly what I think about it, namely that they are sins that ruin one’s inner life, one’s conscience and one’s purity. On that occasion, he confided to me this temptation of his, and his being unable to get rid of it. Then, we decided to start together a journey of faith to try and prevent him from falling into sin. We have been trying for one year now and, in spite of the falls and of the weight of this cross, he is still trying so hard to refrain from sinning!

I have told you this in order to explain that we are both doing our best to keep our relationship pure and constructive; actually, we want our engagement to lay a solid groundwork to build our “house” on it (we both dream to get married, although it is still too early, perhaps).  We have never had sexual intimacy of any kind. I have always tried to convey to him the beauty of safeguarding our bodies, because they are temples of the Holy Spirit and they are gifts to protect in order for us to be able to donate ourselves to each other after marriage. 

However, lately his desire to possess my body and to touch it has become overwhelming. This situation seems to be tougher for him than for me, because he is torn between his sexual instincts and my ideas about chastity and respect. He is always distressed and troubled by this inner battle and by the lust he tries to suppress when we are together. Nevertheless, this suppression of his has been bringing about the opposite effect. As a matter of fact, I meant to get him to stop thinking about physical intimacy (given that now it is the time for us to get to know each other’s heart and to share our faith), but he seems compelled to think about it all the time due to the ceaseless effort he has to make to refrain from touching me etc. 

The moments we spend together are supposed to be beautiful, but actually they are a nightmare for both of us, because we perceive a tense atmosphere of prohibition and limitation which prevents us from enjoying a time of peace and tenderness. I feel as if I were in a black hole and I can see no way out of it. I do not know what to do: please, give me some directions. 

  1. To what extent can a couple of fiancés express affection without sinning or giving way to temptation?
  2. What can I do to get out of this situation and help my boyfriend?

Thank you in advance for your help.

The priest’s answer

Dear daughter,

  1. You have a serious problem to deal with. Actually, with pornograpy and masturbation not only does your boyfriend “ruin his inner life, his conscience and his purity”, but he also becomes completely unable to love. Pornography and masturbation do not just “ruin”, but rather they devastate people and impair their capability to love. 
  2. In the Latin version of the Sacred Scripture you can read this expression: “oculus meus depraedatus est animam meam”: my eye has plundered my soul. After pornography and what accompanies and follows it, there is nothing left within a person’s soul besides devastation and sadness. Since nothing is left, the person is no longer able to donate and to love. What can a young man of this kind give you? Nothing, absolutely nothing. 
  3. You say his sexual desire is strong. How could it be otherwise, if his mind is always there? One cannot get over the consequences of pornography in an instant, or in a day. 
  4. Your boyfriend cannot mistake his sexual drive for the love, respect and dedication he is supposed to have for you, for your purity and your virginity. He should value your purity and your virginity as his authentic treasure, but actually he seems uninterested in them. 
  5. No yielding on this matter can help him to mature and to develop self-control. What your boyfriend needs at present is to learn how to walk in a different direction. Until he does not stop thinking about people, especially about women, as means to an end, he will not find the right path to start loving. It is impossible to follow two divergent paths at the same time. Mistaking one’s desires for love is one of the worst misfortunes one can have. 
  6. Help this young man to mature. Help him to receive the Sacraments more often and with more confidence, so as to purify and sanctify himself. It would be wonderful if he could find a priest he could open his heart to. This priest would be for him a spiritual father and a friend. He would help your boyfriend to take the first steps on this path of liberation. 
  7. Help him to pray much and to plead with God through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, asking for the grace, or even for the miracle, of the purity of heart. Only if he has this purity will he be able to look at you with the eyes of God  and to fall in love with your soul, before becoming infatuated with your body. 
  8. I suggest you should recite the rosary every day with this intention. Urge him to do the same, both with you and alone. 
  9. In my own experience as a priest, I have seen people that, thanks to this prayer, have suddenly been filled with disgust for pornography and have stopped sinning instantly and with no relapses. This is why I hinted at a “miracle”. We should always keep in mind that purity cannot be achieved relying only on human techniques: a powerful help from God is always necessary (“I did not know that,as it is written, nobody can be chaste unless you grant this” t.n.: Father Angelo’s quotation is taken from SAINT AUGUSTINE OF HIPPO, Confessions, Book VI, §20).

I gladly remember you to the Lord in my prayers and I bless you.

Father Angelo

Translated by A.N.