Dear Father,

I have been with my current partner for 13 years, we have been living together for 8 years and we became parents 3 years ago. On the occasion of my son’s Baptism, the Lord has given me the grace to reconnect with His  Word and the Sacraments. 

I cannot say how long it had been since I entered into a church before then. Nonetheless, both my partner and I come from families with at least one practicing parent, and we had no doubts about the gift of Baptism we wanted to give to our son.

During these past 3 years I have been literally regenerated in the faith. The Lord has opened my eyes in so many ways…and one aspect that now creates great contradiction in my faith journey is exactly living together with my partner!

We are not currently married because of economic reasons (this one is my partner’s excuse, and I don’t believe in it) and because my partner is distant from the Church. He, in fact, was not touched by the Good News, and that is the reason why we did not celebrate our marriage together with our son’s Baptism, as we were not ready.

I think marriage has to be a path chosen together and done with common agreement.

This situation is, however, starting to weigh on me.

Confession is always centered on this current condition.

The priest, in order to encourage me in my path, has been allowing me to take Communion in these past 2 years.

He keeps saying  that Holy Communion is the medicine for the weak and not a reward for the elect.

I have changed confessor many times, I have given up the Eucharist for certain periods and then returned to it.

The Pope seems to have opened a possible solution on this issue.

I don’t know what to do anymore, but I am afraid I already know the answer. I would love to change this situation but it does not depend on me.

Please help me Father….

Thank you in advance. I pray as I can.

Priest’s answer

Dearly beloved friend, 

1. I got to your email only today, with a delay of about 13 months. I am very sorry about this and I apologize.

First of all, I join you in thanking the Lord for your inner rebirth.

Just as your son was born to grace in his Baptism, being born again a second time, similarly you have been reborn together with him,too.

In fact, according to your own expression, you were “literally regenerated”

This time you have entered the real world, God’s world.

2. With this regeneration you tell me that “the Lord has opened your eyes in so many ways.”

Yes, that’s right. St. Thomas says that to have faith means to see with new eyes.

Since then, you have begun to look at your life with God’s eyes and you finally got the truest reading of it.

3. The thing you are most distressed about at this time is cohabitating with your partner.

Living together, even if you had the will to be together forever, is not the same as marriage.

Marriage changes a person from within because from that moment you know that you no longer belong to yourself, but you have given yourself totally and exclusively to another person.

When a couple gets married in the church, with the sacrament, the unity becomes even stronger because they receive the strength to give themselves to each other in the same way that Christ gave himself to the church. And He gave himself completely, until the very last drop of blood.

In marriage there is a founding covenant that is made before God.

This covenant commits you to give yourselves to each other, until the last drop of blood.

Concerning marriage, Christ said, “Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” (Mt. 19:6).

4. Now, the man who lives with you is your partner; he is not yet your husband. You are his partner, and not yet his wife.

I hope you will take this step as soon as possible.

The external celebration is secondary. You can be married simply by going to the priest and bringing two witnesses.

It is true, however, that both of you must make this choice together.

I hope that your partner, who will certainly have noticed something new and great in your life, little by little will become influenced by it.

5. In the meantime, there is an objective impossibility in being able to participate in Holy Communion and going to Confession.

The difficulty arises from the state of your life that objectively does not conform to God’s Will.

6. John Paul II had reminded that irregular couples, if they cannot rectify their situation and if they are repentant of their sin, can take Holy Communion with the commitment of sexual abstinence.

According to God’s law, sexual relations have full meaning and are lawful only within marriage.

No one, not even the Pope, can dispense from God’s law.

7. A priest told you, repeating the Pope’s words, that Communion is medicine for the weak and not a reward for the elect.

This is true.

However, Communion is not food for those who are not in a life of grace.

To be nourished by this food it is necessary to be born again through that Sacrament that the Holy Fathers called “New Baptism”, that is, sacramental Confession.

8. You tell me that you have confessed to different priests and precisely because of their different pronouncements you sometimes gave up the Eucharist and then returned to it.

You write, “at the moment I no longer know what to do, but I fear I already know the answer.”

The answer you fear to know is the one you sense from the bottom of your heart: you know that you are not married and that no one, not even the Pope, can dispense you from God’s law.

The Pope can dispense  people from the laws of the Church. But he cannot dispense from God’s law. 

He has to be its exemplarily faithful minister, precisely because of the office he has received within the Church.

9. It must be noted anyways that the Pope never said, even in Amoris Laetitia, that people that live together outside of marriage can take Holy Communion. 

If there are irreversible situations, such as yours, the teaching enunciated by John Paul II and never abrogated remains valid: ” This means, in practice, that when, for serious reasons, such as for example the children’s upbringing, a man and a woman cannot satisfy the obligation to separate, they “take on themselves the duty to live in complete continence, that is, by abstinence from the acts proper to married couples.” (Familiaris consortio, 84).

10. What can you do in this situation?

I urge you to follow the instructions given by the Lord when some people asked Him, “Lord, will only a few people be saved?” (Lk. 13:23).

And the answer He gave was:  “Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I tell you, will attempt to enter but will not be strong enough” (Lk. 13:24).

Then He continues: “After the master of the house has arisen and locked the door, then will you stand outside knocking and saying, ‘Lord, open the door for us.’ He will say to you in reply, ‘I do not know where you are from.’ And you will say, ‘We ate and drank in your company and you taught in our streets.’ Then he will say to you, ‘I do not know where (you) are from. Depart from me, all you evildoers!’ And there will be wailing and grinding of teeth when you see Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God and you yourselves cast out.” (Luke 13:25-28).

11. As you see, the Lord asks you to go through the narrow gate.

And it is the one you feel from the bottom of your heart.

The priests must teach how to pass through the narrow gate.

Are they strict if they do so? Are they heartless?

No, they are faithful ministers of the office they were appointed to and for which they will be held accountable.

Scripture says, “Thus should one regard us: as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Now it is of course required of stewards that they be found trustworthy.” (1 Cor. 4:1-2).

And, “I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.” (1 Cor. 7:35).

By being faithful to these teachings, our pastors assure the true good to the faithful. They do not deceive them.

12. My direction can be encapsulated in one word. It is the Lord’s saying: “Strive to enter through the narrow gate” (Lk 13:24).

In this way we can be sure to be walking in His ways and to be pleasing to Him.

I am close to you in prayer and in the desire that the regeneration you received as a priceless gift from God may also be received by your partner.

I also entrust to the Lord your dearest son, so that all three of you may be blessed. 

Father Angelo

Questo articolo è disponibile anche in: Italian Spanish Portuguese