Father,
I am going through a terrible time. I am not well. I fear I have cancer. I pray every day to the Lord and to Our Lady that they might free me from the fear of death and of hell. But my faith wavers. 
Prayer rarely lifts me from this dark abyss. I have the intimate awareness of addressing God in selfish and utilitarian terms, to obtain a grace without the benefit of true Faith.

I come from a Christian family and I consider myself a Christian although, until my body and soul were attacked by illness and depression, my Christianity remained only a reference, without true and constant participation.
Even though my thoughts very often turned to Christ Jesus and His Mother, I led my existence far from the sacraments. I did not confess or communicate for many years. I only attended Mass at Christmas and Easter. Nor did my way of life cause me any particular feelings of guilt.

 A few months ago everything changed. My precarious state of physical and mental health has led me to return, after thirty or forty years, to the sacraments, in particular to confession.

A few months ago a priest did not absolve me. I have been living with a woman for a long time without being married and this condition was the main cause of the lack of acquittal.

A few weeks ago I accidentally passed by a church that I attended during my youth. I entered. I saw that a priest was present. I approached him and asked him if he could confess to me. He immediately granted my request. Of course I couldn’t confess all my sins. Too much time had passed since my last confession. I tried to list my most serious sins, or those that I consider most serious. Obviously I told him about my cohabitation. I told him that now the bond between me and my partner can no longer be defined as that of a husband and a wife but of a brother and a sister.

For years we have no longer had sexual relations even though we live and live in the same house.

The priest not only absolved me but asked me if I wanted to receive Holy Communion. It seemed to me to be a gift from the Lord that I welcomed with joy.

This condition did not last long. Even though I had not committed serious sins, my fears led me back down the path of doubt and lack of full faith. Could I really consider myself free from my sins and destined no longer to the darkness of hell but safe and in the grace of the Lord?

At this moment, especially, I am experiencing a period of great suffering. I pray every day, I go to church several times. I turn to Jesus, to the Madonna, to the saints I love most – Saint John the Baptist, Saint Pio of Pietrelcina, Saint Leopoldo Mandic – asking to heal my body and save my soul. I ask them to intercede not only for me but also for my loved ones, for the afflicted, for the sick I know, for my dead.

 But despite my efforts I cannot escape from the abyss of doubt, from the suspicion that my prayers are induced only by the terror of death and eternal fire and not, instead, by true faith in Christ.

Thank you, Father, for listening to me.

Priest’s answer

Dearly beloved,
1.your situation is objectively irregular since it concerns a cohabitation which at the time was marked by sexual relations.

2. However, the teaching of the Church reminds us that if one regrets having taken a path that is not according to God’s plan, if at the moment or even for the future it is not possible to think of a separation because it would leave a person alone and in need , if there is abstention from sexual intimacy it is possible to be confessed and communicated.

And this is what the priest who by providential chance you met when entering the Church did.

3. It should be added, however, that Holy Communion can be made publicly only where one is not known as a cohabitant.

Although there is no sexual intimacy between you, people might still think that today you can receive Holy Communion even if you live together.

4. The Church also places this caution on divorced and remarried people who cannot now separate either due to the presence of children or for other serious reasons.John Paul II, in the Familiaris consortio writes: 
“However, the Church reaffirms her practice, which is based upon Sacred Scripture, of not admitting to Eucharistic Communion divorced persons who have remarried. They are unable to be admitted thereto from the fact that their state and condition of life objectively contradict that union of love between Christ and the Church which is signified and effected by the Eucharist. Besides this, there is another special pastoral reason: if these people were admitted to the Eucharist, the faithful would be led into error and confusion regarding the Church’s teaching about the indissolubility of marriage.

Reconciliation in the sacrament of Penance which would open the way to the Eucharist, can only be granted to those who, repenting of having broken the sign of the Covenant and of fidelity to Christ, are sincerely ready to undertake a way of life that is no longer in contradiction to the indissolubility of marriage. This means, in practice, that when, for serious reasons, such as for example the children’s upbringing, a man and a woman cannot satisfy the obligation to separate, they «take on themselves the duty to live in complete continence, that is, by abstinence from the acts proper to married couples»(John Paul II, 25 October 1980)” (FC 84).

5. In your case, if in terms of marital status you are celibate, it would be appropriate to think about the sacrament of marriage.

The marriage can also be celebrated with only the presence of two witnesses in front of the parish priest outside of the celebration of Mass.

6.But returning to the reason for anxiety that struck you some time after that confession, there are good reasons to say that you live in a state of grace.

Of course, the irregular situation persists. But this does not prevent you from living in God’s grace.

Therefore, move forward peacefully, trusting what the priest who absolved you and gave you Holy Communion told you.You live in the communion of saints: not only because you live in the grace of God, but also because you experience friendship with some saints in a particular way. You can always count on their faithfulness, their intercession and their protection.They are the most loyal and powerful friends.

7. Drive away the doubtful thoughts that would like to throw you into despair.

Always keep in mind what St. John Bosco said: “Everything that disturbs and takes away peace does not come from God”.

Therefore do not let any thoughts of that fate enter your mind. They are thoughts of death and not of life.

I bless you, I remember you in prayer and I wish you all the best, especially for your health.

Father Angelo

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