Question

Dear Father Angelo,

I thank God for accidentally finding the site you write for, while I was on a solitary search for answers to my questions about the Faith. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity because I did not really know who to turn to and He, listening to my prayers, made me meet you. I will try to summarize my story. I was baptized, but mine was a family only nominally Catholic, that never cared about its faith or that of its children. I never knew why, unlike most of the other children, neither my sisters nor I attended the Catechism, nor why we were deprived of the possibility of receiving First Communion. Many years have passed since then, during which I lived far from God and the Church, living a “normal” life completely unaware of being immersed in sin. In the early 1990s I married a Lutheran woman in a civil ceremony in the town hall. From this marriage, perhaps also for my choice, I did not have children. It was a marriage between two lonely people whose only strength was the spouse. We were very close, and I never thought that this strong bond would be broken because of me. I do not want to make excuses for what I did, because mine alone is the fault of the bad deeds that took place a few years ago with my abandonment of the marital home because I fell overwhelmingly in love with another woman, a very strong temptation I could not resist. This story turned out to be a complete failure and ended after a few months. Unfortunately, although I have deeply and sincerely regretted the wrongs I have done, I am currently legally separated because it takes years to build but a minute is enough to destroy irremediably. To alleviate my great sense of guilt, I always made sure my ex-wife lacked nothing, including all the affection I can give from a distance, an affection that I believe she reciprocates too. Suffering from depressive problems, I sought and found great comfort in the figure of Padre Pio, whose Sanctuary I had already visited several years before. Little by little I clung more and more to Saint Pio, choosing him as my personal Confessor and Patron. Completely ignoring the Catechism, for some years I thought that my prayers, my pilgrimages to the Sanctuary of San Giovanni Rotondo to “visit Padre Pio”, the occasional Holy Masses I attend, the little works of charity, were enough to bring me closer to God, through the intercession of Saint Pio, in the belief that Our Lord listened to me and appreciated my efforts. Lately, however, I stumbled on a biography of Padre Pio of Pietrelcina written in the early eighties; it is abundantly documented and it is making me know more and more about the life of the Saint and in particular his extraordinary activity as a Confessor. From the stories of the witnesses who had the privilege of seeing Him at work in His indefatigable struggle with the devil for the salvation of Souls, I got the idea that if I went to Him to confess, He would never have given me absolution because I am still, despite my efforts, a sinner. But I really want my Soul to be free from sin so much that I have decided to start a concrete path of purification to get to my first Communion with Christ Jesus. Up to now I have not had the courage to talk about my state of mind with any Priest because I am ashamed of it, but I would certainly have done it if I had not searched in the doctrine unknown to me, discovering that sincere repentance for one’s sins is not enough to obtain absolution from Our Lord but that repentance must be followed by the behaviors of a good Christian and the full Communion with Him. Here is the reason why, dear Father, I am writing to you this long letter. This is my question: can the evil done be remedied by doing more harm? Can an offense against God be remedied by harming one of His creatures? I ask you this because I want with all my strength to learn how to be a good Christian by relying on the teaching of the Church but what is the use of all this if, being civilly separated, I live with another woman whom I love and whom I would like to marry in a Christian way before God but I can’t do it for the reason I will say? I am therefore doubly a sinner because I destroyed my first marriage and because I am living a non-Christian relationship. I also add that the person I live with is a very fragile person who has only me and who greatly needs Love and moral support. I couldn’t leave her without hurting her enormously, unbearably. On the other hand, the affection that binds me to my ex-wife makes it extremely difficult for me to file for divorce because, at present, I know that I would do her other harm, maybe beyond her endurance. I therefore find myself in a dead end from which my miserable human mind can find no other way out than to put on me the guilt of past and present evil by asking God to be the only one to pay the price for everything, so as not to cause any other harm to anyone. Please, dear Father, give me some advice: I know you are the right person to do it. I heartily thank you and I wish you all the best, God bless you.

Best regards,

(First name)

PS: Forgive me Father if due to shame I prefer to receive from you a private answer, unless you consider my letter useful to other wretched Brothers like me.

 Answer

Dear friend,

1. I thank and praise with you the Lord because among the various paths he has made you also meet ours.

And here I am finally to you, after a long wait.

Although you preferred a private reply, I think your email can benefit others, precisely because of the feelings you express and for what you intend to do.

2. First of all I would like to underline something great: although the civilly celebrated marriage for the Church is canonically invalid (in fact, only sacramental marriage is valid for two baptized persons), nevertheless you do not feel like divorcing the one you call your ex-wife.

You would give her a huge displeasure.

This does you credit.

3. It is true that from the canonical point of view that woman could not be called your wife, but by celebrating the civil ceremony you intended to be for each other husband and wife.

In addition, this woman has devoted herself to you, she has given her life to you and would have liked to give it to you to the end if you had not evaded her affection and her dedication.

4. The fairest thing you could have done would have been to request a sanatio in radice of your marriage.

But you were too far from the Lord to think about these things, especially since in the meantime you have become infatuated with another woman and now you live with another one.

Therefore – although under the canonical profile you would have what it takes to marry the current woman and access the sacraments – you are right not to divorce the former.

It would be somehow a lack of charity and justice towards her.

5. However, this good feeling on your part, as you yourself recognize, is not sufficient to repair the evil committed by unjustly escaping her affection and leaving her alone.

In fact, there is an evil that you have caused and there is a suffering that continues to this day.

There is therefore an injustice that persists.

So not only your repentance is legitimate, but also the desire to make amends.

6. This is the first reason why I liked making your email public.

It is not only a “useful” teaching for those you define as “other wretched Brothers like me” but it is also useful for shepherds, who sometimes superficially do not tackle the issue of the evils caused by the breaking of the marriage bond and give the Sacraments to people who from the evangelical point of view have not repaired the evil done and are still the cause of suffering and sacrifices for others.

The Lord sternly warns, through the apostle Paul, not to approach the Eucharist without having examined oneself (1 Cor 11:28) and without having repaired the evil done.

And he also recalls that “whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord unworthily will have to answer for the body and blood of the Lord” (1 Cor 11:27).

If shepherds neglected the Lord’s warning, they would take serious responsibilities before God and the severe words of the Lord could be applied to them: “They are blind guides (of the blind). If a blind person leads a blind person, both will fall into a pit” (Mt 15:14).

7. The second reason why I wanted to publish your email is to suggest what can be done to remedy the evil one has done and is continuing to do, because while another family was formed, one is a persistent cause of suffering, poverty and hardship for those who have been unjustly abandoned.

Certainly, the first thing to do is to generously fulfill all the obligations of justice recognized and prescribed by the law and by the judge.

But this is not enough.

In fact, there are certain moral evils that cannot be repaired simply with economic aid.

What to do then?

This is the way I propose to you: recognizing the impossibility and even the inability to repair the evil done, in the conviction that in the sacrifice of Christ God puts in our hands the adequate reparation for all the evils we have committed, I invite you to participate as much as you can, even daily, in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

Humbly and in a subdued voice, I suggest you say at the time of the elevation of the chalice: “Eternal Father, I offer you the most precious Blood of Jesus Christ in atonement for my sins and for the sufferings that others endure for my sake”.

8. The Blood of Christ atones and at the same time repairs because it infuses in the people for whom we pray the grace and the related aids.

Equally I advise you to recite the Holy Rosary every day to communicate grace to all the people for whom you pray.

And I would also tell you to recite the chaplet of divine mercy daily in which, in addition to offering the Blood of Jesus in atonement for your sins (“Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world”), you invoke mercy and outpouring of benevolence and gifts on the people who suffer because of you: “For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world”.

9. There is a third reason why I am happy to answer you publicly: you are aware that when you go to Mass you cannot receive Holy Communion. Your situation prevents you from doing so.

It does not prevent you simply for legal reasons, but because you have examined yourself, you recognize yourself as the cause of current suffering and inconvenience for others and you live with a woman who is not your wife before God.

Here, I want to highlight humility.

What is more beautiful and more meritorious than recognizing oneself for what one is, that is, poor sinners?

We all are.

But some have particular irregularities because they live in a situation that is objectively contrary to the will of God.

10. Well, in this regard I like to recall that in the ancient Church there were various classes of penitents.

Some could not enter the church but could stand at the door. Weeping, they asked those who entered to pray for them. They were the so-called flentes (the mourners).

Then there were those who could enter but inside the Church they had to remain prostrate on the ground as a sign of humility and penance. They were the so-called strati, that is, prostrate.

Finally, there were those who, while being able to enter, had to always remain standing as a sign of penance.

Clearly none of these could yet receive Holy Communion.

But with their prayer and humiliation they could equally receive from the Lord an abundance of grace and mercy.

11. This allows us to remember that the Church has always taught that the Sacraments are the ordinary means of Grace.

But at the same time, she has also always recognized that grace is not bound by the sacraments (gratia non alligatur sacramentis) and that God can infuse it to a very high degree even outside of them, as is especially the case for those who are humble.

Humility is an extraordinary grace, and it makes people more pleasing to God than those who (sometimes and unfortunately with the consent of the shepherds) take Holy Communion before their spouse who is humiliated and suffering from betrayal and abandoned to her solitude.

9. I thank you for this testimony of humility and for what you wrote at the bottom: “My miserable human mind can find no other way out than to load on me the guilt of past and present evil“.

I also thank you for what you added immediately afterwards: “… asking God to be the only one to pay the price for everything, so as not to cause any other harm to anyone”.

I reciprocate your cordial greetings accompanying them with a special remembrance to the Lord.

I bless you and thank you again.

Father Angelo

Translated by Chiara P.

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