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Dear Father Angelo,
I am a Catholic man in my early twenties, and I have a simple problem: having a girlfriend is not currently my desire, it is not my big dream, and much less I identify this as my vocation right now, rather I’m beginning to fear that this might not be God’s plan for me.

However, I really feel the need to have a woman by my side: this need manifests itself in aspects, in physical, relational, and affective “symptoms”, which although I can distinguish, I know they are part of a single human need.

In fact, I am aware of the indissoluble integrity of the various aspects of a human being, and the only “engagement” that I can accept or possibly desire is an engagement lived as a vocation to holiness.

Despite this knowledge, my need for it recently led me into a frivolous, transient relationship in which, although we did not cross the line, I realized we ended up using each other. Now this relationship is over, my sins are confessed, and I am trying to figure out how to incorporate this affair into my own story as a sinner, to understand what role I played, where I went wrong, and how I can improve. In fact, I certainly cannot ignore my need; it is a situation of great trial. Perhaps the very need I feel is an indication of my vocation? How can I not stumble on futile and ultimately unedifying relationships for my person, for my path? I am aware that even in a couple chastity continues to be a test, but at least it is a test faced jointly, a test that is faced with the awareness of the goal, that is, the mutual edification in holiness, which has in itself an obvious beauty and meaning, while to me my path seems to be unnecessarily without a direction. Looking for and finding a random girl, Catholic or not, seems like a stretch to me, neither starting dating and dating in an uncommitted way seems to meet my desire, nor praying for God to send me a girlfriend, exactly because it’s not my dream. If it were my dream, and I had awareness of the vocation to marriage, with confidence I would pray to the Lord, and with patience wait for the sure answer. Instead in this situation, of senseless suffering, which I do not understand, I have no idea what the Lord is doing up there, what He is planning for me.

I thank you and remember you in my prayers.
E.

Dearest,
1. You have been through an emotional experience that failed.

It failed because it was set up badly, on using each other, as you yourself acknowledged.

Certainly, this event also served, according to God’s plan, to make you understand that emotional relationships must be sought and established according to God.

I see that on this point you have quite clear ideas because now you would like to have an engagement oriented to holiness, as the Lord wants it.

2. You have also told me that you are in your early twenties and therefore very young.

Well, after the painful ending of the story you told me about, you need some quiet. And not only to work off the inevitable suffering, but also to rest yourself.
According to a quite common mentality and also according to some of your needs you would like to find another girl right away.

But in this moment of pause during which you wonder what God is thinking up there, you need to learn patience.

3. As the Apostle James says: “Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains.” (Jas 5:7) applies to all our undertakings, including that of engagement.

You right now are the precious fruit waiting to grow, to sprout, to flourish, and to bear fruit. You are great wealth that God has placed in the field of the Church through your parents.

Now you need to wait for the early and the late rains.

4. Your first affective experience did not bother to wait for these rains nor was it willing to receive them and therefore it soon dried up.

Out of metaphor, what are these early and late rains?

Certainly, they are made of a life of grace, of prayer, of invoking the Holy Spirit.
By a life of prayer we don’t simply mean making the sign of the cross when we get up in the morning and when we go to bed at night (which is a good thing and always recommended, also because it is often a premise of further development), but also the daily Holy Rosary.

5. In the pilgrimage of the people of Israel, from Egypt to the Promised Land, the column or procession of the Israelites had to be preceded by the Ark of the Covenant (prefiguration of the Virgin Mary).

And when the people got up to continue their journey, Moses said: “Arise, O LORD, that your enemies may be scattered, and those who hate you may flee before you” (Num. 10:35).

And the people went forward safe in God’s protection.

6. Moreover, when anyone wished something from God, he had to go in front of the Ark of the Covenant because God had given the appointment there: “There I will meet you and there, from above the propitiatory, between the two cherubim on the ark of the commandments, I will tell you all the commands that I wish you to give the Israelites.” (Ex 25:22).
Therefore, as you await the Lord to show you his ways, turn incessantly to Mary, the true Ark of the Covenant.

Make a commitment to pray the Rosary daily.

The Lord wants us to turn to Mary so that our requests may comply with Her Immaculate Heart. It would be vain to hope to receive any grace as long as one keeps in one’s heart the will to recrucify the Son of God (cf. Heb 6:6).

7. Together with the life of grace and prayer, you must then include the practice of virtues, of all the virtues, especially purity, which is the key to receiving all graces, as the Holy Spirit said through the mouth of Solomon according to the reading given by the Church: “With her came all good things; in her hands is incalculable riches” (Wis 7:11).

8. And this twofold practice in prayer and virtue must persevere.

For the farmer waits not only for the late rains, but also for the early rains.

Therefore, it must not be a flash in the pan.

9. I am certain that if God finds such a favourable terrain, He will not keep His chosen ones waiting for long but will answer them speedily (cf. Lk 18:6-8).

The Lord will not only show you one way (that of marriage) or the other (that of vocation), but he will also pave it for you so that you may confidently take the path.

With this good wish I assure you of my prayers and bless you.

Father Angelo