Question

Dear Father,

my marriage and that of the person I’m now in love with has long since ended.

My new love and I are both morally and physically estranged from the person we married.

I’m asking you whether our relationship is to be regarded as adultery and what we can do to live in God’s grace.

Is it such a great sin to have made a mistake in choosing a spouse?

Is it a sin to have subsequently met true love?

I sincerely thank you.

The priest’s answer

Dear,

1. It is not surprising some marriages may fail.

Anyone can make mistakes in the evaluation of the person to marry.

This may not be a sin, just as it is not a sin to find love only later.

2. However, it is wrong to have sexual relations with someone who is not one’s husband or wife, because the sexual act is a total and exclusive gift of oneself to another person.

Outside of marriage, however, the totality (even over time) and especially the exclusivity of this gift is not assured.

John Paul II said that the genuine (physical) love is the one that is sanctioned by marriage.

3. However, this is just a human reasoning that any person of good will can understand.

But, for a Christian, one may wonder whether, out of marriage, sexual acts are a way of sanctification, whether they draw their life  from the absolute and exclusive love of God for men and from the donation of Christ on the cross to His Church.

In other words, you should consider whether this mutual donation is a sign of and a means for another, infinitely greater, gift that you want to do to the person you love: to bring God and His Kingdom in the heart of the one you love.

 4. We must not forget that, for a Christian, sexuality is ultimately aimed at Christ.

St Paul clearly states that «the body is not for impurity, but for the Lord and the Lord is for the body» (1 Cor 6:13).

The body is for the Lord, so that it speaks of him, leads to him and unites to him.

Even within the Church, there is a risk that sexuality is seen in a secularized way, i.e., as simply aimed at sexual interaction.

5. After having stated that the body is intended for a perfect union with Christ in the final resurrection, Saint Paul adds: «Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? … that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you? You received it from God and you don’t belong to yourself. In fact, you were bought at a high price.

Therefore, glorify God in your body » (1 Cor 6,15.19-20).

6. We glorify God in our body when we allow Christ to carry out His saving action in us: to make Himself present with His person and His word in us, to give Himself completely to us in order to be united to Him in the eternity.

This is the effect of His incarnation, His passion, death and resurrection.

7. What should be done in practice? We must proceed in good order.

Proceeding in good order means to take the necessary steps so that the Church declares the previous marriage null and void.

The judgment of the Church (the Apostolic Tribunal) is needed because, as it is clear, “nemo iudex in causa propria”, no one is judge in his own cause.

8. If the conviction of the nullity of a marriage is well rooted and well founded on the basis of the opinion of competent persons, such as a confessor or a judge of the Apostolic Tribunal, this means that the declaration of nullity is almost assured  and one may get engaged without feeling adulterous.

But a couple should behave as husband and wife only after the marriage because only with the marriage a couple become married.

9. Doing things in good order means that, in the meantime, you need to know each other well, in order not to repeat the previous mistake.

You can get to know each other well if you keep your heart clear and pure.

And you can keep a clear and pure heart by living the engagement as the Lord wants, that is, with self-restrain and chastity.

In this way, the false steps are not repeated and, above all, you grow building that spiritual house in which one intends to live together: that is mutual understanding in thoughts, desires, faith and hearts.

10. If this house is well built, no winds can tear it down.

And it will be possible to experience how true the words of the Lord are: “Therefore whoever hears these words of mine and puts them into practice, will be like a wise man, who built his house on rock.

The rain fell, the rivers overflowed, the winds blew and struck that house, but it did not fall, because it was founded on rock.

Anyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand.

«The rain fell, the rivers overflowed, the winds blew and struck that house, and it fell, and its ruin was great» (Mt 7,24-27).

With the hope that – if it is your case – everything will be done in good order according to God’s will, be sure of my prayers. I bless you.

Father Angelo

Translated by: Angelica

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