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Question

Dear Father Angelo,

I thank you for the many interesting points for reflection which spring from the letters published on your site. I’m also writing about a widely discussed topic here, about which, however, I’m still left with profound doubts: that is, the expressions of affection between unmarried couples.

My girlfriend and I are very serious and committed in living out our relationship, we love each other with a love that is truly great and open to the complexity of the other person.

In our manifestations of deep love and affection, we experience more and more often situations of deep intimacy, in which the expressions of our bodies mirror that sense of admiration for the immensity of the other. I start out by saying that we are fully in agreement about avoiding complete sexual relations before marriage, for the same reasons the Church gives.

By reading your replies to other letters on your site, and speaking with other priests, I think I have understood the basic criterion which practically underlies all Christian moral sexual teaching: the expressions of love must be, as such, signs of that same true Love. This implies, therefore, the utmost respect for the other as beloved creature (who is never to be treated as an instrument or as a possession) and the permanence in truth (the expressions must be in proportion to the degree of a mature human love ).

If these are the basic criteria (I ask your confirmation that this is the case), lately I’ve been wondering whether some of the manifestations that my girlfriend and I experience are licit: sometimes (I apologize for my frankness, but I don’t know how else to explain the matter at hand), we spend the night tenderly embraced, making skin to skin contact (aside from the genitals, for reasons of prudence). In those expressions, we exchange passionate kisses and caresses, strong embraces which, even in their intensity, are always trying to avoid bringing about pleasure for the sake of itself in the other person and which are, in our highest intentions, a sign of the unconditional love which ties us together. Since we aren’t made of watertight compartments, these manifestations also bring about feelings of sexual pleasure, which isn’t however pursued in itself, but is the direct consequence of physical involvement in the expression of love.

Often, I’ve perceived the Church to make a distinction between licit and illicit acts based on sexual involvement. With this I ask you: can an expression of love that is truly giving and respectful, in truth, lose its noble character only because of the presence of erotic involvement, which results impossible to separate for the expression of love itself? At what point, then, does the idea that the use of genitality is only appropriate in the procreative context come into play? Also, as far as this second point goes, is the criterion of avoiding to “mimic the complete sexual act” sufficient?

Official Church documents, unfortunately, weren’t able to help me with this question and I think I need further explanations in order to comprehend their true meaning (especially in “Educational Guidance in Human Love” where we read about the “moral disorder” tied to “manifestations of a sexual kind which of themselves tend to complete encounter, though without reaching its realization“: is it referring to a sort of reciprocal masturbation?).

I sincerely thank you for your work and for the help I hope to receive from your answer, may it bring light to other unmarried couples who have my same doubts. 

Priest’s answer

Dear friend, 

  1. First of all, I congratulate you on your commitment to abstain from sexual relations which, in order not to be deprived of the true meaning and not to degenerate, without intending to, into an instrumental use of the other, must be expressed exclusively inside the marriage covenant.
    However, from what you are relating, there are affective manifestations, taking place between you two, which have in theory the intention of being pure, but aren’t in reality.
  2. As you yourself notice, we aren’t made of watertight compartments.
    There are, therefore, affective manifestations which cannot, in practice, fail to cause sexual (or rather genital and erotic) involvement, which constitutes in fact a use of sexuality outside the design of our Creator.
    This is the reason why certain affective manifestations, which don’t initially have to do with genitality, are a prerogative of the married couple.
    Between the spouses, in fact, the inevitable erotic involvement is put to use in the sexual relation.
  3. To your direct question: “Can an expression of love that is truly giving and respectful, in truth, lose its noble character only because of the presence of erotic involvement, which is impossible to separate from the expression of love itself?” My answer is yes.
    Yes, indeed, an act which has noble motives can degenerate into erotic involvement which, even though it doesn’t result in reciprocal masturbation, is however dominated by consequences which are foreseeable and, in some sense, desired.
  4. You reference the document “Educational Guidance in Human Love”.
    The text of that document says: “It seems that there is a spread amongst adolescents and young adults of certain manifestations of a sexual kind which of themselves tend to complete encounter, though without reaching its realization: manifestations of the merely genital which are a moral disorder because they are outside the matrimonial context of authentic love” (OE 96).
    This certainly doesn’t refer to masturbation.
    If that were all it was referring to, it would simply say “reaching masturbation”. We find instead an intentionally more generic sentence which embraces other possible disorders, like those which culminate in full erotic fulfillment outside of marriage and outside of masturbation as well.
  5. The Second Vatican Council notes that “the moral aspects of any procedure does not depend solely on sincere intentions or on an evaluation of motives, but must be determined by objective standards […] based on the nature of the human person and his acts” (GS 51).
    When one foresees that certain emotional expressions will bring about clearly disordered effects, such as perfect sexual excitement outside of the conjugal act and mutual masturbation, one must stop.
    A person’s good intention is in fact replaced by something else which prevails in the end.
  6. My invitation is therefore to embrace chastity and aim at its highest possible expression.
    When the Council talks about marital relations and the characteristics they need to have to conform to God’s sanctifying design it says: “Such a goal cannot be achieved unless the virtue of conjugal chastity is sincerely practiced” (GS 51).
    The same goes for unmarried couples, for whom, moreover, chastity consists of different things compared to married couples.
    When it comes to you two, cultivate then the virtue of chastity with a sincere mind, which will help you not place too much confidence in your impulse control and will open for you different worlds which need to be explored and possessed: those who are directly in touch with different kinds of intimacy — that of the heart, of the mind and, most importantly, of your life in Christ and your experience of Him.
    May yours be a journey towards sanctity, as Saint Paul reminds us: “This is the will of God, your holiness: that you refrain from immorality, that each of you know how to acquire a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles who do not know God; not to take advantage of or exploit a brother in this matter, for the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you before and solemnly affirmed. For God did not call us to impurity but to holiness. Therefore, whoever disregards this, disregards not a human being but God, who [also] gives his holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thess 4:3-8). And also: “I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship” (Rom 12:1-2). 

I recommend you to the Lord, may yours, always and everywhere, be a journey of sanctification.

I greet you and bless you.

Father Angelo