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Question

Good morning,

I am writing to you in order to receive an answer to my doubts.  I got married at 27 years, I had a son at 31 and I am about to turn 50 years old.  Few months after my son was born, I stopped having sexual relations with my wife, nor I had any sexual relations with any other partner, obviously.  After the delivery of our son, my wife was feeling pain during the sexual act;  therefore, after trying for some time, I decided to wait for her to desire it, but it never happened.  This situation caused me so much distress since I felt undesirable, and therefore, unloved.  It was hard to bear, especially around my 40’s.  I find consolation by practicing sport, but in reality, it is just a distraction that allows me not to think about it and to delay dealing with the problems.  I want to clarify that I do not believe that the sexual act should be done only to procreate, but mostly because it permits one to enter in communion with the other person and it is an act of intimacy. Furthermore, we don’t have too many arguments, simply, we just don’t discuss the issue but ignore it.  Now, I have two questions to ask you:

  1. A marriage that has not been consummated for 18 years against the wishes of the husband, can it still be considered as such?  Is it voidable? Is it still love if the other person does not cheat, but demands respect and expects that the partner must do the same?
  2. I am seriously thinking of taking a vow of chastity once I turn 50 years.  What do you think, could this help me to better deal with this situation?  Does this make sense, or does it make more sense to start a new life and dissolve the marriage?

 Thank you, best wishes.


The priest’s answer

Dear friend,

I am so sorry to reply to you with such grave delay and I apologize.

  1.  After my apology, I want to immediately express my admiration for your behaviour. Within the family there are superior blessings, so it is worth sacrificing other blessings that also have their relevance.  I agree with you that marital relations are not only aimed at procreation.  They are an important element within life as a couple to feel loved, accepted and desired under any aspect.  Using your own words, which were accurate, these relations brighten up the communion and the intimacy.
  2. The Vatican Council II, in the Gaudium et spes, discussing the morality of the marital intercourses says that “The actions within marriage by which the couple are united intimately and chastely are noble and worthy ones (honesti ac digni sunt).  Expressed in a manner which is truly human, these actions promote that mutual self-giving by which spouses enrich each other with a joyful and a ready will” (GS 49).  The translation “spiritually beautiful” is mine and, on this point, I think is more correct than the official Italian translation of the Latin script that defines them as “honest”.  For the ancients, the honestas did not simply indicate the honesty that is the synonym of just and lecit.  Saint Augustine writes: “I intend for honestas intellectual beauty, that for us is appropriately called spiritual” (Octoginta trium quaestionum, q. 30)  (*ho tradotto letteralmente Sant’Agostino non avendo trovato il testo)
  3. In this sense, Saint Paul talked about it when he was writing: “sicut in die honeste ambulamus” (Rm 13,13), whereas honeste translate the Greek ………….., that means “dignitously, graciously, in beauty” (From the Greek eu- schema  **-**** (Bella figura, translation: looking good).  Regarding this point, also the new version of the Italian episcopal conference is not too happy since it translates as: “Let us conduct ourselves becomingly as in the day”.
  4. Commenting on the honeste ambulemus of Rm 13,13 Saint Ambrose writes: “ The Greeks translate honeste with *************** that means exactly “with good posture, with good look”. God, therefore, while creating the first man, He made him with a good posture, with an harmonious arrangement of his limbs and He gave him very good looks” (De officiis I, c. 45, 221).  Furthermore, he says that the honestas is for the person what the beauty is for the body.  Just like the beauty of the body requires good health and a certain well being, since “without good health there couldn’t be beauty and attractiveness”, so the honestas is “like the well being of all our work and of all our acts” and it confers a “good look” (De Officiis, I, c. 45,220)  * [ ho tradotto le frasi letteralmente non avendo trovato il De Officiis]
  5. You have accepted the sacrifice of these blessings to preserve a much higher blessing, such as the peace in the family and the serene upbringing of your son.  That is why I said you are worthy of admiration.  The Lord will certainly take this into account, even though- I am convinced- the strength came to you all from Him.
  6. I come now to the two questions. Regarding the first one: a marriage that has not been consummated for 18 years against the husband’s will, it still remains a true marriage, although some precious elements have been sacrificed.  If the marriage is true at the time of marital consent, it remains eternally true.  It’s not the greater or lesser frequency of marital intimacy that makes the marriage valid.  From the point of view of intimacy, your marriage has not been lived in its plenitude.  However,  it should be readily added that the plenitude is not all here and that a marriage’s true beauty is in the sharing of the souls and in the family unity.
  7. About the second one:  it is not correct to make the vow of chastity without the consent of the wife, even though, probably, the marriage will continue just like the past 18 years.  It’s true that your wife, for 18 years, did not give you what you deserved (If it is even possible to use this language).  But, it would not be correct for you to express yourself in an equally anarchist way.  Although your wife on this point has been anarchist, however, on your part, there must be the will to do everything together.  Therefore, if your wife agrees, you could make a vow of chastity, like some Christian spouses decided to do at some point in their married life. For example the spouses Raissa and Jacques Maritain.  Raissa has been a mystical soul at a high level.  Jacques has been one of the greatest Christian thinkers of the twentieth century.

          I wish to you and your loved ones the most beautiful gifts from the Lord.

          I bless you and I will pray for you.

         Father Angelo