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Question

Dear Father Angelo,

I am writing to bring a matter to your consideration that in this time is very close to my heart.

My housemate, who over time has also become a dear friend of mine, lives a love life that I could almost define more uxorio, that is, she and her boyfriend share dinner and bed every night. It should be added that this friend of mine also says that she has rediscovered faith, that God is important in her life; however, in practice, she does not accept the Church’s moral teaching on sexuality, claiming to have reached this conviction after having completed a journey towards maturity, while undergoing therapy with a psychologist.

This questions my conscience a lot, and also annoys me a little, given that, when I happen to fall into this kind of sin, I am very careful not to partake of Communion, without first confessing myself, an issue that she does not seem to mind about.

I know that in response to questions on these issues, you often answer that conscience needs to be educated and that, indeed, sinful habits partly blunt the ability to tell good from evil. On the other hand, I think I have a little wonder from God in front of me: this couple of friends are already planning to wed in the church, to have children, and to live together ever after, so I have the feeling that the Lord started to work in them, that there is an authentic vocation, even if there is still a lot to work on.

Along with this situation, I would also like to bring to your attention a problem of mine, related to the previous question.

In this time of co-housing “as students”, I realized that I react, I would say, almost “neurotically” if by chance people close to me make it clear, in words and gestures, that they have a relationship with sexuality that is very free, normal, everyday, almost as if it bothered me to feel that kind of intimacy in those around me, and to imagine what it entails. I know that the source of this is undoubtedly psychological, so I focused on the matter, at least a bit. What worries me, however, is that this “aversion” of mine seems to have a very strong hold on me, and, even worse, I feel it gives me serious issues in loving my neighbor; as if I could not avoid hating in others what I do not even tolerate in myself, bearing in mind that I am light years away from that appreciation and that positive vision of the body and sexuality that the magisterium of John Paul II conveyed to us.

So I ask you, how can I bear with this discomfort of mine in my spiritual life?

Thanking you for your availability, I embrace you in the Lord!

Answer from the priest

Dear son,

1. I am not surprised that you have feelings of aversion towards your housemate’s behavior.

Unless I am misunderstanding, this should be the standard attitude of every Christian: we love sinners but we detest their sins, we cannot accept them.

In the present time, there is a way of thinking, even within the Church itself, that tends to equate everything: good and not good, lawful and not lawful. But this does not conform to the teaching of the Gospel, which calls us to be frank: “Let your ‘Yes’ mean ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No’ mean ‘No.’ Anything more is from the evil one” (Mt 5:37).

So the discomfort you feel seems to me a good sign.

What constitutes sin does not help in drawing near to God, because sin in itself is a distancing from God, as Saint Augustine says.

2. You tell me that this girl is getting closer to God although she rejects the moral teaching of the Church.

However, I have the feeling that religiosity (which in itself is natural in every human heart) is awakening in your housemate rather than faith, which in itself implies letting oneself be led.

Now, this girl does not want to let herself be led by the Lord and much less by those of whom the Lord said: “Whoever listens to you listens to me. Whoever rejects you rejects me” (Lk 10,16).

3. Of course, the Lord makes use of natural religiosity as well, in order to attract people to Himself. After all, He is the one who placed it in the heart of human beings.

But this alone is not enough.

St. Thomas reminds us that believing in God involves conforming to the Truths he revealed to us (Summa theologica, II-II, 2, 2).

These truths are presented to us by God through the Church, to which he promised his spirit of truth so that it will not stray in its teaching.

4. The “annoyance” you feel towards people who have a very free relationship with sexuality, that is, a licentious one, seems normal to me all the same.

We read about Saint Catherine of Siena that when she was a child, everyone sought to have her stay together with them because they felt better in her company, their inner fatigue and evil spirits disappeared.

For a person who is straight and lives in grace, it is almost normal to have the same feelings as those people, when in the presence of a saint.

And it is also almost normal that these same people feel discomfort in an environment that does not share their faith and values. They feel like a fish out of water.

I think I can say that this annoyance is sometimes even mutual.

5. However, aside from the discomfort, we must always make the distinction between sin and sinner: sin must be hated, the sinner must be loved.

Therefore, feeling aversion to people, no matter how deep they sank into sin, does not conform to the Gospel.

St. Augustine, explaining the Gospel words: “You will love your neighbour”, states that “the word neighbour clearly indicates any human being” (De doctr. Christ. 1,30).

And since sinners do not cease to be human beings and sin does not take away from them the call to be in communion with God, we must love them so that God may live in them and they may live in God, as Saint Thomas says (Quaest. Disp. De caritate, a. 4).

6. So we must wish for them to experience conversion, repentance, grace of God, atonement for the evil deeds done,and eternal salvation.

We know that our Lord sought out sinners and ate and drank with them in order to attract them to salvation (cf. Mt 9.10 ff).

St. Thomas says that people who consort with sinners in order to convert them are worthy of praise, as long as they do not become corrupted in their zeal and in the life of grace.

Conversely, this would not be a good thing for those who are frailer, because of the danger that they may become corrupted (Summa theologica, II-II, 25,6, ad 5).

7. Try to do the same yourself.

Do not stop at your annoyance or resentment, which are of no use except to poison your heart and make you sick.

Since charity is a form of supernatural love that no one can produce by himself, but is a gift of God, unceasingly ask the Lord for the grace to be able to love everyone, and in particular sinners, so that God may live in them and they may live in God.

It is the best I can wish for you.

And so that the wish does not remain fruitless, I accompany it with a remembrance in prayer.

I wish you well and bless you.

Father Angelo