I am a young, believer homosexual man who lives with great discomfort in this situation

Good afternoon, Father Angelo.

I am a young, believer homosexual man who lives with great discomfort in this situation. Anyone who hasn’t experienced it doesn’t know what it means. Feeling a dissociation between biological and “psychic” sex, if I may say so, is truly heartbreaking. Many see this condition as the result of a free choice, but that’s not the case. In fact, no one would choose to be homosexual. I know that the Church condemns not the tendency but the acts. But in my opinion, this isn’t enough to understand such a complex situation. I don’t understand why the sin of homosexual acts is considered so serious even compared to other sexual sins. It’s said that such a sin “cries out for vengeance in the sight of God.” But this reasoning could be valid if it were indeed a free choice. Like voluntary homicide. I deliberately choose to kill a person (except in cases of serious mental disorders that affect the will). But I wasn’t born a murderer. I can’t say I’m a person with “homicidal tendencies.” I believe the situation is different. Saying that the tendency isn’t a sin, but only the act, seems to me like saying, “It’s not a sin to be born with red hair; you just dye it or wear a wig to hide it.” It’s much more complex than one might imagine. This is all the more so because homosexuals often claim to have been born that way. Therefore, in a certain sense, it’s by God’s will. If God hadn’t wanted to create people with homosexual tendencies, who aren’t the deliberate result of personal choice, he wouldn’t have done it. Perhaps it can be argued that God doesn’t create people with homosexual tendencies, but that he allows them. That because of original sin, creation itself was “tainted,” and that the seeds of this evil can lead to sexual disorders. The Lord has been making me understand (at least I believe) for a long time now that homosexuality is the result of psychological imbalances, according to theories later taken up by psychologist J. Nicolosi. The catechism itself speaks of a “psychic genesis,” which, however, remains inexplicable. Simply put, these theories trace the origin of homosexuality to a conflictual, highly problematic relationship with one’s father and an unbalanced relationship with one’s mother. Reading and researching, I have fully identified with all this, like many others, which is why I say that the psychological origin seems fairly clear. So, while on the one hand I can say “I wasn’t born this way,” on the other it’s inevitable to say “I became this way not by choice.” Without going into the specifics of what happened in my family, the words of the Bible come to mind that state that the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children. This, as a priest explained to me, is not because there’s some curse, but because, inevitably, if I’m the son of a violent father, his violence will fall on me, and so on. The problem is that I, the son, am not to blame. This is the great tragedy. For this reason, I often say to God, “What fault is it of mine?” Even if these tendencies are the psychological result of my family members’ sins, what fault is it of mine? And above all, what can I do? On the one hand, the world is increasingly moving toward the normalization of such relationships. If I were to ask someone, they’d tell me there’s no problem. That love is love. That nothing bad is done. That the Lord will judge us on the charity we’ve exercised—”I was hungry and you fed me…”—and not on who we’ve slept with. This often makes me wonder. What matters more in God’s eyes? That we not have relationships with other people or that we do good? Well. According to some, my happiness lies in indulging this tendency. Only then would I be truly free to be “myself” and be at peace. Indeed, in this way, being “sexually fulfilled,” I could even do more good and charitable works while being at peace with myself. But is this really so? I don’t know. This is what the world says. What many homosexuals say, who apparently seem happy to live their sexuality freely and who encourage others to do the same, claiming that sexual repression causes significant psychological damage. Help me, Father, for such thoughts seduce me. I admit it. Seeing that around me, from TV to newspapers, etc., everyone, even people of a certain cultural background, says “there’s nothing wrong,” I admit that I’m not indifferent to such pressures, if I may say so. I don’t know what to do. I wish the Lord would help me, but it’s as if he’s abandoned me. I feel very far away. I have often felt angry toward Him. Almost like the “wicked thief” who said to Him, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” So too, I feel like saying to Him, “If you are the Christ, heal me!”

Help me!” Anger stems from the fact that, as I wrote, this condition is not a choice of mine. And I assure you that, in my opinion, this is much more painful than a physical illness, since this condition creates such internal dissociation and conflict that it leads one to ask, “Who am I?”

If you can, I ask you to help me, because I feel I am one step closer to starting to live according to the world’s common opinion, that is, experiencing sexuality freely without problems because there is nothing wrong with it.

You decide whether or not to publish this letter on the website, if it can be of help.

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Priest’s answer

Dear Friend,

It’s been a few years since you wrote me this email. As you can see, it hasn’t been lost.

You’ve raised many issues. I’ll try to respond to them all.

1. First of all, I acknowledge that you recognize that homosexuality is a disorder. Because evidently, sexuality—and by sexuality I mean genitality—is essentially bipolar. The genital system is called such precisely because it is designed to generate life.

Now, life is generated in the union of two different sexes.

As much as people want to say that being homosexual is the same as being heterosexual, the reality of things, nature, belies this statement.

2. I also acknowledge that you recognize the psychological component of this inclination. I don’t know if the reasons you cited (they are the most common) are accurate. They may be.

But I won’t go into the merits of this because—if the experts aren’t certain—I’m even less sure.

And even more so because they seem to correspond to the question Jesus posed about the man born blind: was his blindness due to his parents’ behavior or to something else? The Lord answered: “Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him” (John 9:3).

3. Certainly, God could not be blamed for that blindness, or that it was God’s will that the man be blind. It was due to a disorder of nature, infected by original sin.

Similarly, one cannot say: “If I was born homosexual, it is God’s will that I be homosexual.” Evil, as a disorder, is never willed by God. It falls only within his permission.

And we are certain that he permits it for a greater good: “so that the works of God might be made visible through him” (John 9:3).

4. I recognize that although unnatural impure acts are counted among those that cry out to heaven, and among these is also voluntary homicide, there is a major difference between the two acts. This is not only because of the intrinsic gravity of the action (killing a person), but also because homicide is voluntary, as you emphasized, while homosexual inclination is not voluntary.

However, the acts are, yes, voluntary.

Other tendencies, whether sexual or otherwise, could also be involuntary. But the involuntary nature of the inclination, although it may influence the imputability of the act, does not make the act good or justify it. It remains an intrinsically disordered act.

5. Then you write: love is love.

It’s true, love is love. But why express it with acts that are in themselves designed to bring forth life?

Isn’t this a distortion and profanation of the Creator’s plan?

And then again: what harm is there? Well, of course, from a sociological perspective, such acts might not cause any harm.

But the Christian’s assessment is not sociological. One must ask: do these acts contribute to sanctification? Do they rekindle fervor toward God?

God himself, through the mouth of St. Paul, gives us the criterion for evaluation: “This is the will of God, your holiness: that you refrain from immorality,that each of you know how to acquire a wife for himself in holiness and honor,not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles who do not know God; not to take advantage of or exploit a brother in this matter, for the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you before and solemnly affirmed. For God did not call us to impurity but to holiness. Therefore, whoever disregards this, disregards not a human being but God, who (also) gives his holy Spirit to you” (1 Thess 4:4-8).

6. You seem to blame the parents.

I would be more cautious about blaming the parents or the family. The Catechism of the Catholic Church reminds us that the psychological origins of homosexuality “remain largely unexplained” (CCC 2357).

It’s true that the Old Testament states that the sins of the fathers fall on the children, but these words shouldn’t be taken literally because it would clearly be a blatant injustice. They could mean that they lead their children to follow their own path, or even that by sinning, one loses the greatest good, comparable to that of fathers losing their own children.

In any case, we also read: “Only the one who sins shall die. The son shall not be charged with the guilt of his father, nor shall the father be charged with the guilt of his son. The virtuous man’s virtue shall be his own, as the wicked man’s wickedness shall be his own” (Ezekiel 18:20).

Indeed, this text continues: “But if the wicked man turns away from all the sins he committed, if he keeps all my statutes and does what is right and just, he shall surely live, he shall not die. None of the crimes he committed shall be remembered against him; he shall live because of the virtue he has practiced” (Ezekiel 18:21-22).

The Jerusalem Bible comments: “Not only is man not burdened by the crimes of his ancestors, but he can also escape the burden of his past. Emphasis is placed on the notion of conversion (and even perversion) that is not collective but strictly personal. Only the person’s current attitude determines God’s judgment.” T-N

7. You go on to assert that “the Lord will judge us on the charity we have exercised: ‘I was hungry and you gave me food…'” and not on who we slept with. This often makes me wonder. What is more important in God’s eyes? Not having relationships with other people or doing good?

St. Thomas also notes that in the discourse on the Last Judgment, Jesus speaks only of works of mercy. But immediately afterwards he adds: “Some have taken the opportunity to err, saying that one is saved only by works of mercy, or damned by their omission; so that if someone has committed many sins and practices works of mercy, he will be saved, according to the words of Daniel 4:24: ‘ atone for your sins by good deeds, and for your misdeeds by kindness to the poor.'” T-N

But, St. Thomas observes, this erroneous thinking is countered by what we read in the Letter to the Romans about those who ” did not accord him glory as God or give him thanks. Instead, they became vain in their reasoning, and their senseless minds were darkened” (Rom 1:22). “Ever since the creation of the world, his invisible attributes of eternal power and divinity have been able to be understood and perceived in what he has made. As a result, they have no excuse” (Rom 1:20).

And after saying that these “Therefore, God handed them over to impurity through the lusts of their hearts for the mutual degradation of their bodies” (Rom 1:24), he adds that “all who practice such things deserve death, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them” (Rom 1:32).

Evidently, the reference is to spiritual death, the death of the life of grace, and its consequence, eternal perdition, if there is no repentance in the meantime.

In fact, St. Augustine says that everyone sins in the world, yet not all are damned; but those who do not repent and make satisfaction are. Those who repent and promise to make satisfaction with works of mercy are saved.

It doesn’t take much to understand that your conclusion here would lead to justifying adultery and all sexual disorders.

In the same chapter of the Gospel of Matthew, reference is also made to the man who had hidden his one talent in the ground. What had he done wrong? Nothing.

However, he had committed an act of omission, and for this omission the Lord says: “And throw this useless servant into the darkness outside, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth” (Mt 25:30).

8. You write: “I admit it. Seeing that around me, from TV to newspapers, etc., everyone, even people of a certain cultural background, say ‘there’s nothing wrong with it,’ I admit that I’m not indifferent to such pressures, if I may say so. I don’t know what to do. I wish the Lord would help me, but it’s as if He had abandoned me.”

Don’t be fooled by the pressures that come from a certain way of thinking that is advertised. These people judge from a purely worldly perspective, thinking that joy can only be found by indulging one’s own inclinations.

No, there is another joy, linked to an even deeper inclination, rather than the sexual one. It is linked to the gift of self, as the Lord said: “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35)!

By following this inclination, which is not disordered, one experiences an even greater and more lasting joy.

It is an inclination that must be satisfied in every moment of our existence.

9. You conclude by expressing your suffering. I thank you for this testimony because it helps us understand the inner suffering and drama experienced by so many people.

Playing the role of the unrepentant thief, you turn to Christ and say: “If you are the Christ, heal me! Help me!” Anger that arises from the fact that, as I wrote, this condition is not the result of my choice. And I assure you that, in my opinion, this is much more painful than a physical illness, since this condition creates such an internal dissociation and laceration that it leads one to ask, “Who am I?”

Jesus on the cross did not answer him with words, but with his behavior.

He was there on the cross, beside him, to give himself for all, to the last drop of his blood.

He gave himself in suffering to atone for the sins of all, to merit God’s mercy for all, to bring about the conversion and sanctification of all, to merit every grace for all, to bring all with him to paradise.

The good thief understood this teaching, and after accepting the cross in atonement for sins, just as Jesus did, he asked for a reminder from the Lord, whom he saw entering his kingdom.

Jesus answered him: “Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise” (Luke 23:43).

The Lord now leads into this paradise those who learn to love as he loved.

10. What saves you and everyone—because everyone experiences suffering, even married people, and sometimes it is even more excruciating than yours—is a higher, ultra-worldly, transcendent gaze.

It is the gaze of faith, which illuminates the entire path to the end and allows us to see what human reason alone cannot see because it is a supernatural objective.

Illuminated by this light, you can follow the path of self-giving to the very end, allowing yourself to enter heaven with a multitude of children, born to you together with Christ.

Do not forget Jesus’ words in John 9:3: “so that the works of God might be made visible through him” (John 9:3).

Perhaps the Lord permitted that inclination that causes you so much suffering precisely so that through you the works of God might be made manifest.

11. Finally, don’t say you’re abandoned by Christ.

At the Last Supper, Jesus said: “It is you who have stood by me in my trials; and I confer a kingdom on you, just as my Father has conferred one on me” (Luke 22:28-29).

The Father prepared the kingdom for Jesus by having Him endure trials.

He does the same with all of us.

Rest assured, you are not abandoned by Jesus.

The Lord is preparing a kingdom for you (cf. Luke 22:29), waiting to be able to say to you: “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful over a few things, I will set you over many things; enter into the joy of your master” (Matthew 25:21).

Confident that you have not followed the path of the world because you have always been supported by the help of Jesus Christ and of her whom He gave us as our Mother in the order of grace, I bless you and assure you of my prayers and remembrance in Holy Mass, also as atonement for the delay (three years) in responding to you.

Father Angelo

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