Dear Father Angelo.
I am a 36-year-old woman. I have been living with my boyfriend for two years and we have been together for 15 years. Yesterday, I went to confession for the first time in a long time, but the priest did not give me absolution because I am cohabiting. He told me that I cannot even take communion. My boyfriend does not want to get married because he feels pressured and thinks that getting married is part of the bureaucratic system behind it. The priest told me to convince him, but I don’t want to force someone to marry me, especially if he doesn’t believe. He can’t get married in church if he doesn’t have faith. So I find myself living with my boyfriend, forced to not take Communion and not be able to receive absolution. It doesn’t seem fair to me. It is not written in God’s laws that cohabitation is a mortal sin, and I think that absolution should not be denied to anyone, especially if the situation I am in is not even my fault. It is he who does not want to get married, even though I have agreed to live together. I behave well as a Catholic Christian, I am with my partner and that’s it. I have read that the Pope is opening the doors a little to cohabiting couples, and I hope that the Church will be a little less restrictive. I think God looks at people’s hearts.
Thank you.
Priest’s answer
Dear friend,
there are several inaccuracies in the email you wrote.
- Getting married is not a bureaucratic act.
Everyone understands the essential difference between cohabitation and marriage.
Marriage brings about a transformation in the spouses. At that moment, they realise the indissoluble union of their hearts and souls because they become one heart and one soul. Through marriage, they belong to each other eternally.
Cohabitation does not bring about such a transformation, so much so that the two can leave freely.
It is true that even those who are married can divorce. But even if they are divorced in the eyes of the law, they can never become husband and wife to someone other than the person they chose on their wedding day. They have, in fact, expropriated themselves in order to belong to each other.
- Of course, marriage involves fidelity and indissolubility.
But fidelity and indissolubility are not a burden for those who love; on the contrary, they are a goal. One aspires to belong only to the beloved, even with the force of law and sacrament.
Cohabitation, on the other hand, is characterised by not wanting to make a definitive commitment. So one remains on probation and in a somewhat insecure union.
3. Furthermore, fidelity and indissolubility are precious gifts, especially for children, who have the right to live in an emotionally secure environment, knowing that their father belongs to their mother and their mother belongs to their father.
All this is independent of the Christian faith. This is demonstrated by the fact that all peoples of the earth have understood this since the beginning of time.
4.This becomes even more significant when we consider that marriage was elevated by Jesus Christ to a sacrament.
Sacrament means sacred sign.
What is Christian marriage a sacred sign of?
It is a sign of the ever-faithful and indissoluble love of God for man and of Jesus Christ for the Church.
Thus, Christian spouses are called to love each other as God loves mankind and as Jesus Christ loves the Church: that is, with a pure and holy love, with a love that is always patient, always ready to forgive, always ready to overlook the wrongs received, always ready for dedication and fidelity in good times and bad.
By living in this way, we achieve the supreme goal of our life, which is sanctification.
Christian marriage is essentially a journey of sanctification.
As you can see, there is a huge difference between cohabitation and marriage.
5. Furthermore, receiving Communion is the same as drawing from Jesus Christ the lifeblood to love as he loves.
But how can one love as Jesus Christ loves if they contradict his will?
You tell me that it is not written in God’s laws that cohabitation is a mortal sin.
But it is written. Among the various passages, I will quote two.
The first: “Now the works of the flesh are obvious: immorality, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, rivalry, jealousy, outbursts of fury, acts of selfishness, dissensions, factions,occasions of envy, drinking bouts, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal 5:19-21).
Fornication is sexual intercourse outside of marriage between people who are not married. Cohabitation is continuous fornication.
Exclusion from the kingdom of God is the same as saying that it is a mortal sin.
The second step: ‘Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones’ (Eph 5:3).
6. You write: ‘I think that absolution should not be denied to anyone.’
But Jesus Christ did not say this. When instituting the sacrament of confession, he said: “Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them, and whose sins you retain are retained’ (Jn 20:23).
Christ therefore foresees that sins cannot be forgiven if there is no repentance and if one persists in the desire to recrucify the Lord in one’s heart, as the Letter to the Hebrews says (cf. Heb 6:6).
Every priest knows that he will have to give an account to God if he has been faithful in his ministry or if he has manipulated the Gospel to suit himself.
7. You say that the Pope has opened up to cohabiting couples. Yes, but certainly not to say that cohabitation is in accordance with the Gospel, but to be solicitous of the eternal salvation of cohabiting couples and to lead them to walk in the ways of God.
To tell the truth, this was done before. It is nothing new. We must not be dazzled by what is written in the newspapers.
Being close to cohabiting couples means reminding them to attend Mass even if they cannot receive Communion.
It also means encouraging them to pray, to listen to sacred preaching, to practice virtue, and finally to lead them to the sacrament of marriage and to those other sacraments that are so precious for salvation, such as the Eucharist and confession.
8. You say that your partner is not a believer.
However, when you got together with him, you had to come to terms with that.
You had to ask yourself: can I embark on a journey of sanctification with him?
Can I build a family with him in such a way that Jesus Christ reigns in every area, even in intimacy, and be the center and purpose of everyone’s life?
It is true that this union is now established.
And yet you cannot force the priest to do things for which he will have to answer to God. And what an answer, since we are talking about sacraments, sacred realities!
9. From this unpleasant incident, that is, from the fact that the priest did not give you absolution, you must feel called by Jesus Christ to do everything properly, as the Gospel says, attending to your sanctification and that of the person you love.
God looks at hearts, of course. But he also looks at deeds.
I apologize for the long delay in replying to you.
This is a commitment for me to remember you more perseveringly in my prayers.
I wish you all the best and bless you.
Father Angelo
