I’m a 27-years-old girl and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years.
During the last year, I’ve rekindled my faith and we will certainly get married, as soon as we are in a financial position to do so.
This is my question: my boyfriend and I have never had romantic or intimate relations with other people, we have only been with each other, we respect and love each other very much and I recognize in us the “traditional roles” of man and woman. We have a child whom we love very much, we don’t have any vices and we dedicate our life to our family and home, even though we aren’t married.
I recognize the importance of the sacrament and, like I said, as soon as we will have the opportunity, we will get married, but I would like to know if, according to you, I’m committing or I have committed a grave sin in starting a healthy and loving family before the sacrament.
Since returning to the faith, I often talk about it with my boyfriend, who even shares with me a few moments of prayer and my 4 year-old son happily comes with me to Sunday Mass and knows the story of Jesus, we talk about it often.
Do I commit a sin in the eye of God in praying and participating in the Mass even though I’m not married? My question is born out of the feeling of guilt that my priest caused me to experience during Confession…
I would like a second thought , thank you a lot. 

Priest’s answer

Dearest,
1. You do not commit a sin in praying and going to Mass with your child.
I’m sure that, since returning to your faith, prayer and participation in the Mass feel like a spiritual need, similar to those who are hungry, rather than a duty.
With prayer and participation in the Holy Mass, you are internally satiated in the need of your heart. 

2. I’m glad that your child goes happily with you to Sunday Mass.
I’m not surprised that he feels a particular attraction toward Jesus.
Children, especially baptized ones, have a connection with Our Lord.
They are innocents, pure of heart.
This is also why Jesus said: “Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” (Mk 10:14).
Who knows how many graces and blessings God confers to your child in those moments.

3. Children’s attraction toward Our Lord is an admonition for all and serves to remind us that only in purity we experience a taste for the things of God.
Sin corrupts this taste and ruins it.
Referring to this, Jesus said: “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matt 18:3). 

4. It’s possible that it was indeed your child who, implicitly, brought you back to the Lord.
Therefore, guard your child’s innocence.
It is a blessing for all. 

5. Having said that, let’s come to you.
Even though you and your boyfriend are absolutely faithful to each other, still, donating oneself to another, including in the totality of one’s body, is in itself reserved exclusively for those who are married.
Sexual intimacy doesn’t create the permanence of the bond, but makes it manifest. 

6. The permanence of the bond comes into existence because of conjugal assent.
In the conjugal assent which, for Christians, is expressed in the sacrament of marriage, there is a dispossession of oneself, a total gift, permanent and reciprocal.
When you are boyfriend and girlfriend, even if you are faithful to each other, such dispossession or transfer of one to the other is not yet in place.
The “us” of boyfriend and girlfriend is very different from the “us” of two married people. The former know that they don’t belong to each other yet, if not in their own intent. They know they are free.

7. This is why your situation is irregular.
The priest most likely wanted for you to understand this, since I trust he was overjoyed to be able to welcome you in the Christian community.
Therefore, on your end, there’s nothing else to do other than to regularize your situation.
You will prepare yourself together with your boyfriend for the sacrament of matrimony by following the process that the priest will illustrate to you.
At the end of this process, you will be able to access sacramental Confession and to take Holy Communion.
You will also do this so that your child is safeguarded.
If only you knew how many graces are bestowed on a child by virtue of the Holy Communion that his parents take for Him. Saint Thomas noticed how the Eucharist is the only sacrament which doesn’t just help those who receive it, but also others, since Jesus said: “the bread that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world” (Jn 6:51). He didn’t just say: “for the life of the one who receives it”, but “for the life of the world”.
Therefore, the energy and the graces that Our Lord infuses in that moment, because of the virtue of charity, which unites us all in one body, can also be gifted to others. Especially children, since they don’t have any personal obstacle (sin) that prevents them from receiving the Lord’s grace.

I wish for you to be able to soon receive the Lord’s grace communicated through the Sacrament of matrimony, I bless you and remember you in my prayers.
I particularly recommend to the Lord and bless your dearest child and your boyfriend.
Father Angelo

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