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Dear Father Angelo,

I’m sorry to write and disturb you, but I feel the need to deliver to someone what I carry inside in this tough moment of loss. I hope you can find the time to read this email and answer me. I’m a guy of 33, I have a family, a work and I live a perfectly normal life in the eyes of all. Since I was a child I’ve received a Christian education, the sacraments, but I can’t say I’ve been living a rather real and authentic experience of faith. On the contrary, I lived through a period of strong crisis of Christian values, living the typical contradictions of society and of my way of being in the world, by staying away from the Lord and behaving half-heartedly, disinterestedly, as if there were nothing but this earthly existence and no God. Having no reference point in my family and parish (my parish priest used to hit us if we made noise during catechism), I felt like the religious practice was an ensemble of rules and suffocating precepts, that made me similar to a prisoner more than a free person. I’ve been thinking for a long time that God didn’t care about me at all and that it was better for me to get myself free from the slavery rather than to be accountable to Someone one day for my mistake, my failures in this life. Dear Father Angelo, I’ve always felt the “weight” of this life, this travel and almost never the joy, the gladness, even though I’ve had plenty of occasions; the thought of finding myself in front of an unsatisfied judge of how little I am, that counted all the wrong things in my life was too much to bear. I always carry behind a sense of inadequacy, I couldn’t afford to believe that there was still Someone else to remind me of that after death as well. So I simply walked far from the Lord, seeking to stay afloat, to survive the time and events of my life. Like many I’ve studied, found a job that gives me money, but it makes me unhappy. I’ve become a cog of the society, done good things, but also bad ones. I’ve done so many wrong things, also immoralities without a doubt (I’ve been with prostitutes for example), but I’ve moved on. I’ve moved on until the day I also betrayed my wife. I haven’t experienced this mistake well at all, I feel like a worm (not to say other things) and I still continue to think about it. I fear the fact that I don’t understand why I did something like that. Today I just can’t get over it and I ask myself if I came to my senses that day. At the end of all this darkness, when I thought everything was lost, I got the strong feeling of Someone who pushed me to amend, to talk to my wife about this mistake and retrace. For cowardice to carry inside all this mess I satisfied this push, I asked for forgiveness, I reconciled with God (more times, I know it’s wrong, but I need to feel free from this weight, because I still feel it inside). I took up a course of study of the Gospel and holy texts, and started to see the light and mercy of God, not only His judgment. In spite of this dear Father Angelo, I live thinking that the past is written and immutable, forever stained, like a dirty record and therefore bound to live in hell eternally. I try to put into practice the teachings of Jesus everyday, by trying hard to be meek, by being vigilant about others’ suffering, by not making myself tempted by money, power, by staying away from sin. But there’s not a day I can find myself completely satisfied. Dear Father Angelo, it’s hard to live fully like the Lord asks me to. It’s hard! If not with works or words , with thoughts, omissions, but I always get something wrong. How can I control my thoughts? Sometimes they appear to me, I haven’t looked for them directly, I try to kick them out, to look away or divert the attention, but they are there, they’re in my head. I’m always a sinner and in default this way! I feel far away from the idea of “right” or holiness that Jesus thought for me or for all of us, from how I really am in practice, even with effort. That’s why I break down and I always see my sins before me and the fate that awaits me. I fear I won’t be able to get through the narrow door. Recently I also fear the Holy Virgin Mary, after reading Fatima’s prophecies. Father Angelo, what can I do to make myself well-prepared when I meet the Lord on judgment day? What can I do to not always feel like I’m wrong? I thank you for the attention given to me and I’m sorry for writing to you. I’ll remember you in my prayers tonight.

I greet you cordially.

Priest’s answer

Dear,

1.David who also sang “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing, He makes me lie down in green pastures” (Psalm 23, 1-2; thebiblegateaway.com) couldn’t forget his sins. Although he was conscious that the Lord had forgiven him, he says: “I am forever conscious of my sin” (Psalm 51, in the English version it is the 3rd verse; thebiblegateaway.com). And also: “Do not hold against me the sins of my youth[b] or my rebellious acts. Because you are faithful to me, extend to me your favor, O Lord” (Psalm 25,7; biblegateaway.com). 

2. In a beautiful prayer written in order to get prepared for the Holy Communion Saint Ambrose says: “ Merciful Lord Jesus Christ, I sinner, by no means presuming my own merits, but trusting your mercy and goodness I fear and tremble to approach the table of your sweet feast. Since my heart and body are stained by many sins, my mind and tongue are not cautiously preserved. Therefore, my merciful God, o tremendous Majesty, I turn to You wretched with anguishes, I approach to You so as to be healed, under your protection I shelter; and since I can’t stand you as judge, I hope to have you as Saviour”. (Edited by the translator). 

3. You confessed your sins. And although you say you confessed them out of cowardice to not carry that weight behind you, I tell you that’s not cowardice. It was the Holy Spirit that inspired you this desire of purification according to what He promised Himself: “ I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols”(Ezekiel 36,25; thebiblegateaway.com). The Holy Spirit inspired you to confess. And not only to free you from weight and make you new, but also because “God doesn’t enter a soul tainted by sin” (Sapiential 1,4; edited by the translator).

4. And it is because you cleaned yourself that God penetrates you more and more by putting in you the desire to get in His heart. What is the reading of the Gospel and its follow-up through a course about the Gospel if not the desire to get into the heart of God, the heart of Jesus Christ?

5. In spite of this you still feel your inadequacy. I think I’m not wrong if I say that this feeling as well is being instilled in you by God. He is doing so not to upset you, but to trace the path that, whilst keeping you humble, gives you faith in God. He gives you it through a specific person. Here it is what Saint Bernard writes: “You were afraid to show up to the Father: the simple sound of His voice struck fear in you, and you tried to get out of Him in the trees’ leaves. He, then, gave you Jesus as mediator. What can a certain Son get from a certain Father? For the reverence He deserves, fulfillment cannot be denied, and the Father infinitely loves the Son. Maybe you’re also afraid of Him? Think about the fact that He’s your brother and flesh, tested in all the ways, except for the sin, and He won’t be able to not feel pity for you…. But you feel that, despite the fact that He made Himself man, He’s still God and you are afraid of his Holy Majesty…. Would you prefer to have a mediator even on the path that leads to Jesus? Run to Mary!” (Sermone 7, nella Natività della beata Vergine Maria; edited by the translator).

6. The Virgin Mary always welcomes everyone, she doesn’t judge, she doesn’t condemn. Saint Bernard claims that in her you’ll never find she makes a sign that is not convenient or gives the lightest symptom of indignation; you’ll see instead all her goodness, understanding, indulgence, patience and grace (cfr. Sermone 2, nella domenica tra l’ottava dell’Assunta; edited by the translator). Therefore, finally Saint Bernard says: “If the enormity of your sins upsets you, if the embarrassing show of your conscience confuses you, if the thought of the judgment frightens you, and you already feel on the edge of the abyss, of sadness, of desperation, think about Mary. In danger, in difficulties, in doubts, think about Mary, call upon Mary! May this name always be in your mouth, in your heart” (Sermone 2,17, Super Missus est; edited by the translator).

7. The peace and faith in salvation can finally be found here, in Mary, that is the maternal face of God. The sense of inadequacy is still there, as well as the limit, the sin and our same repentance. But being conscious that once we get to the door of the sky to be judged we’ll find the One we call “Door of the Sky” who will welcome us with open arms and hold us to her womb like her dearest sons, washes all the fears away and instills consolation. That’s why you should always keep her next to you, don’t ever lose her presence in every day of your life. You’ll do it by praying the Holy Rosary daily.

I bless you, I’m infinitely grateful for the prayers you promised me, I wish you a merry and Holy Christmas and remember you in prayer.

Father Angelo