After losing my father ten years ago, at the humble age of 58, because of peritoneal carcinosis, I’ve now lost my mother as well to the exact same disease.
They both suffered greatly, but what my mother went through is indescribable.
She was so depleted by the illness that we decided to have her cremated.
She was just 64 years-old, but she looked 94.
The sickness had taken over her body.
Our parents left us after suffering and very soon: we children are now 41, 35 and 25 – we were obviously even younger ten years ago.
We have always been faithful and almost model believers, however, this additional blow – and especially the suffering of our parents – has left us discouraged.
One must have luck even in dying and, unfortunately, my parents suffered until the very last breath and we with them.
I don’t know what the afterlife is like and, at this point, I don’t even know if there is anything, but I can’t consider myself a loyal servant as I once did.  There are people who have it worse. True, but there are also people who have it better and I don’t want to always compare myself to those who have it better.
We were a happy family, all we are left with now is silence and nothing else.
If a God exists, I want to know where my mother is and how she is, I’m no longer settling for believing without seeing.
Saint Thomas did it when Jesus was still with them – how could I not do the same when I don’t see, don’t feel and don’t perceive?
Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed? Well, then I’m no longer blessed.
Thank you. 

Priest’s answer

Dearest, 
1. I am sorry that you are living this moment of grace like a person who is without faith.
It will seem weird to you that I refer to a moment of great suffering as a “moment of grace”.
However, Our Lord Jesus Christ, with His resurrection, won over death and, precisely because of this, we can live in perpetual reciprocal communion with our loved ones, while waiting for the reunion that will have no end.

2. Saint Catherine of Siena, who is a doctor of the Church, says that Our Lord does not purify our sins twice.
If they are purified on this side of Heaven, they are no longer purified on the other and, for these people, death is the door to Heaven.
I like to think that this is what happened with your dear mother. The long and deteriorating illness made her ready to enter the eternal nuptials immediately. 

3. Saint Therese of the Child Jesus was 24 years-old when she died. In her last days – she was, by then, bedridden –  she said to her sisters: “My mission is about to begin”.
Notice that she did not say: “My mission is about to end”, but rather “my mission is about to begin”.
Your mother spent 64 years on this side preparing her mission.
Now her mission has begun.
Which mission was beginning for Saint Therese of the Child Jesus?
Certainly, the one she herself referenced on her deathbed when she said: “I will spend my heaven by doing good on earth”. If your mother could talk, she would tell you the same thing: “Our Lord called me before my time to begin, from this side, my mission which consists in doing good on earth. The first beneficiaries of this grace will be you for whom I have lived and spent all of my life”. 

4. It is possible that you have already experienced her closeness, at the time of her death, in the form of the comfort received by people you would have never imagined; and also the resolution of certain problems that previously appeared unsolvable.
I’m thinking, right now, of a young woman, an only child, married to an American, who went to live in America, leaving behind her father and mother.
In recent times, the mother’s health had declined in certain ways, therefore the father, who was older, was the one doing all the housework. Almost suddenly, the father died. We can imagine all the problems that this new bride faced returning from America.
She had to think about everything without anybody’s help: there was the funeral to celebrate, the mother to find accommodation for, troubles with the inheritance and many other related issues.
Still, every night, when she would come to the evening Mass, she always repeated the same catchphrase: I have done everything without delay and I have always found the doors open.
She attributed everything to the intercession of her father, who was a man of great faith and charity.
This testimony made a particular impression on me.

5. Your mother as well, if she could talk, would say: “Don’t cry, don’t torment yourself because I can be more useful to you from here, meaning from Paradise, than I could have been by remaining by your side”.
She would probably add what Saint Augustine’s mother told her children before dying: “One thing only I ask you: that you remember me at the altar of the Lord”. This is to say: remember me when you go to Mass.
When you go to Mass, when you pray and participate in the sacraments you open up the mysterious channel that goes from you to your mother: you gift her your prayers of suffrage and she makes one grace after the other flow down from Heaven.
This is why, at the beginning of this email, I have said that the moment you’re living, albeit being a painful one, is an extraordinary moment of grace.

6. Therefore, even if death makes us lose physical contact with our loved ones, it cannot deaden the ties of love that, sustained by faith, reveal themselves to be stronger than death and surpass it.
You will see firsthand that love can go beyond death and reach the afterlife and that a reciprocal exchange with your parents is possible.
Start by going back to your life of faith and to religious practice in particular.
You will experience concretely that what you get back is always more than what you give.
These are the best signs that your mother will send you from Heaven, way more certain and safe than a possible apparition of which you could always say: “I deceived myself because of the depth of my pain”.

7. As you can see, the light of faith, which is, after all, the light of the Gospel, makes us see that which human reason alone cannot, since it is a matter of focusing on invisible realities.
Without faith, you can’t do anything but grieve your parents.
With faith, on the other hand, you can maintain a communion of love that is not a pious illusion, but a reality documented by many signs.

I offer my most heartfelt condolences for the grave sorrow that befell you.
I would be grateful if you would extend them to your dearest brothers as well.
I assure you of my prayer for you all and in suffrage of your beloved parents.
I bless you,
Father Angelo

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