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Question

Dear father Angelo,

I write to you about a doubt I have.  I would like to confess; however, since I live with my girlfriend, I’d have to confess it because the ecclesiastic doctrine regards it as a sinful act.

Nonetheless, even though I am aware of the profound reasons for this disposition, after a thorough examination of conscience I came to the conclusion that my contrition would lack the serious intention to avoid this sin in the future (don’t get me wrong: I’m sorry if my conduct might offend God; however I must also be sincere and admit that it’s hard for me to see this as sinful behaviour and I don’t have the required purpose to abandon it. I don’t know if I’ve explained myself).

Nonetheless, I would like to know if my reticence to repent might preclude the possibility to confess and obtain absolution for other sins.

A warm greeting,

Francesco

Answer from the priest

Dear Francesco,

1.  The sacramental confession is a visible sign of our return to God and our willingness to walk in His way, for the sanctification of our life.

2. The examination of conscience you’ve done brought you to the right conclusion that you lack repentance. This lack derives from your determination to follow roads by which you recrucify Christ in your heart (cf. Hebrews 6,6).

3. This expression might seem strong to you because you have no awareness of crucifying Our Lord by following roads that disregard His teachings that forbid fornication, i.e. the sexual act between unmarried people.

4. As you might know, sexual intercourse manifests the willingness to total self-gift, including the possibility to become father and mother which is provoked precisely through intercourse. 

The truth about sexual intercourse is contradicted by cohabitation.

First of all, because the complete donation of oneself is irrevocable and cohabitation, as opposed to marriage, has one characteristic: it is revocable.

Cohabiting couples know that they aren’t spouses, that they aren’t bound forever. In other words, they know that they are free and capable of turning back when they want.

5.  Secondly, cohabitation contradicts the truth about sexual intercourse because generally, just for the fact that it’s not irrevocable, the couple avoids having children as they might indeed be deprived of the stability which is of the utmost importance for them. In this instance there’s some kind of accountability and that’s good.

6.  However, this objective isn’t pursued by living in chastity, in sexual abstinence as is demanded by the pre-marital status, but with contraceptive methods. Now, contraception introduces an element of falsification in sexual intercourse, as Saint Pope John Paul II noticed: even though there is a manifested willingness to total self-gift, the aforementioned self-giving is actually denied since there isn’t any wish to offer the capability to become parents. And it all happens exactly when this capacity is aroused because sexual intercourse is intrinsically designed for procreation.

7. As it emerges from the honesty of your letter, you recognise sincerely your difficulties in considering cohabitation (and apparently sexual acts outside marriage) as sinful acts.

I understand it because impurity clouds the mind and consequently the judgement of conscience.

These words might seem harsh to you, but they correspond to what Our Lord said in the Gospel: ” this is the verdict, that the light came into the world, but people preferred darkness to light, because their works were evil”  (John 3, 19).

Evil works, or sins as they’re called in biblical and theological jargon, cloud the mind and sometimes even blind it.

Along with this, sins committed in the field of sexuality turn down the taste of the things of God that will inevitably start to look boring.

From here the step is short to leaving sacramental life and religious practice.

Sadly, this is the path of many people.

8. However, your situation is not exactly like this because you long for a sincere celebration of the sacrament of confession. You miss Confession and Holy Communion. In other words, you miss the profound communion with God that your heart is looking for and that you might have previously lived in its fullness.

In its own way, even this need is a clear sign that the condition in which you’re living deprives you of something which is too important.

Even though you think that there’s nothing wrong with you living with your girlfriend, your soul isn’t fully satisfied. You feel the desire for God and glimpse that you will sense His presence only through the grace you will regain with a sacramental confession.

9. What can you do then?

I like to remember that Jesus starts his preaching by saying: “Repent and believe in the gospel” (Mark 1, 15).

He didn’t say “remain the same and believe in the gospel”. He talked about conversion, and rightly so: the roads that do not lead to God, i.e. sinful acts, are incompatible with the experience of Jesus in one’s life.

“Repent”: maybe this is the word of Jesus you need right now, even though many people, even in the Church, seem to have erased it from their vocabulary.

10.  Lastly, you ask me if you can be absolved from your other sins.

You surely can ask for forgiveness, but you can’t return to grace because of its incompatibility with the presence of any mortal sin.

You can’t be friends with the Lord (that is exactly what being in a state of grace means) and at the same time crucify Him in your heart, as it is said in Hebrews 6, 6.

I bless you and I’ll gladly accompany you with my prayers.

Father Angelo