Good evening, Father,
I am writing to you following a furious row with my wife. I am currently in one of those periods, which recur regularly, where I lose my bearings and live in despair. The constant struggles and hardships of life just break me; I feel helpless and scared, and I end up turning against God. I curse Him, and my inner anger just screams at Him. I don’t want this struggle; I don’t want to suffer. It feels humiliating to pretend that I’m okay with it—I just can’t do it. In reality, I can’t accept the ‘logic of the Cross’; it’s like I can only have faith when everything is under control and going well. But waking up every day with another problem to solve, another sacrifice to make, or a child to deal with… I can’t handle it. I am exploding. I feel like I’m carrying a huge weight on my shoulders and in my heart. I’ve lost faith in confession; I’ve been going for years, but I feel like I’m stuck in the same place, falling into the same traps.
I feel so alone, Father. Alone in this constant grind, and alone in the problems I’m having with my wife. We are overwhelmed by the chaos, the kids, and everything they need, and we can’t seem to find each other anymore. I feel so much anger, even towards my wife, because I don’t feel understood or supported. She is exhausted and always busy taking care of everyone else.
I can feel her irritation and anger towards me too. I miss being noticed—I miss us looking at each other with love. We are both exhausted, angry, and feeling like we can’t change anything.
What we feel right now scares me. This distance between us terrifies me; I don’t want to ruin our relationship. But I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be. I hate living like this—constantly complaining, avoiding the kids so I don’t just end up yelling at them, and making things hard for my wife because she hasn’t wanted to be intimate for weeks.
Please pray for me and my family, Father. I can’t even pray right now; the very idea of it repels me. Pray that my wife and I can find our way back to each other as soon as possible. I feel terrible, trapped in this bubble.
Thanks for your patience. Good evening.
The Priest’s answer
Dear,
1. I am replying to you today, on the day the Church commemorates Saint John of the Cross, a Spanish Carmelite saint.
I will share with you a passage from today’s Office of Readings, taken from the writings of Saint John of the Cross himself: “Saint Paul therefore urges the Ephesians not to grow weary in the midst of tribulations, but to be rooted and grounded in love, so that they may know with all the saints the breadth, the length, the height and the depth—to know what is beyond knowledge, the love of Christ, so as to be filled with all the fullness of God“ (cf. Eph 3:17).
“The gate that gives entry into these riches of his wisdom is the cross; because it is a narrow gate, while many seek the joys that can be gained through it, it is given to few to desire to pass through it.”
2. There are moments in our lives when we feel like grapes inside a wine press: crushed and surrounded by crosses on every side. And yet, grapes could never produce wine—the king of all drinks—if they did not pass through the press. Similarly, the Lord occasionally allows us to be weighed down in order to bring out the true virtues of patience, gentleness, and humility. It would be a pure illusion to think we possess patience, gentleness, and humility without being tested. In sports, no one can emerge victorious without a struggle, without competition.
3. What sustains us during these trials is keeping our eyes fixed on Christ crucified: we are called to bear them with His same heart and, above all, for the same reasons He endured them. Indeed, if trials are overcome well, they become a tool for winning souls and for the redemption of many. Only love for Jesus Christ gives us the strength to know how to carry them without screaming, without blaspheming.
4. Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus, speaking from her own personal experience, says that trials serve to purify us and to help us practice humility. This Saint, who died at the age of 24, wondered about the mysterious trials of Jesus. Yes, even Jesus has trials! He does, and often ‘The wine press I have trodden alone … I looked about, but there was no one to help’ (Is 63:3,5). Many serve Jesus when He consoles them, but few are willing to keep Him company while He sleeps amidst the waves or suffers in the Garden of Gethsemane! (…) Yes, Jesus is already preparing His kingdom for us, just as the Father prepared it for Him. He prepares it for us by leaving us in the midst of trial ’ (cf. Letter 144 to her sister Celine).
5. It would be so beautiful if your wife—precisely because you are living through these trials with the heart of Christ—were to see you transformed: humbler, gentler, more eager to give than to receive. In a word, richer in love—the kind of true love that gives the self to the point of self-forgetfulness.
Don’t you believe that, at that point, the fire of love between you and your wife would blaze anew?
6. We should remember that marriage was intended by God as a shared path toward sanctification.
Remarkably, the Hebrew word for marriage is Kiddushin, which means “sanctification.”
Of course, marriage has its joys and its consolations. But the honeymoon does not last forever. And the joy that follows it is interspersed with trials, precisely so that it may become ever more beautiful, purer, and more holy.
7. Saint John of the Cross, replying to a nun who, seeking to comfort him, expressed her deep pity for all he had been forced to endure, said: [tr.] “As for what concerns my own person, my daughter, do not be troubled, for I am not troubled by it at all.
What pains me instead is that blame is cast upon those who do not deserve it; for these things are not the work of men, but of God, who, knowing what is best for us, disposes everything for our good.
Think of nothing else but that everything is ordained by God.
And where there is no love, put love, and you will find love” (Works, Letter 24).
This is the path the Lord is sketching out for you!
I wish you every blessing for the upcoming Holy Christmas. May the Lord console you in your sorrows.
I bless you
Father Angelo
